May 2 was my first treatment. I decided to try something called the penguin cap. This is a cap that goes over your head while you are doing chemo to freeze the hair follicles in hopes that your hair won't fall out. Sounds pretty great right?! Well let's just talk about this cap. it's -32 degrees and needs to be worn 1 hour before infusion, during infusion, and 4 hours after infusion. Can we talk about COLD and painful. While you are on the chemo, you must wash your hair only 2 times a week in cold water, no blow dryers, no straighteners,no curling irons, no elastic rubber bands to put your hair up, and no hats. I call myself, Frizz. Maybe it will save my hair, maybe not, but it's worth a try!
The Gulbrandsens came up to help me with the cap for the first time. Karen Gulbrandsen has been one of my sweetest tender mercies. She has just recently ended her treatment and has been such an inspiration to me. Having them come up was so helpful, and it has touched me so deeply.
Rob, my mom, Julie, Austin, and the Gulbrandsens were all there to help with my first treatment. I started with the two targeted chemos which don't make me sick because they only target the cancer cells. When the nurse came in to start "the real" chemo I was so scared. Not only scared, terrified. My life was about to change and there was nothing I could do about it. I have cancer and this is my life now. I started crying and begging her not to put it in. I looked around the room, and everyone was crying. Rob grabbed my hand, told me he loved me and there it went. Karen crawled in bed with me repeating over and over, "I can do all things in Christ which strengthen me." If you keep saying it, you'll really start to believe it!
The next week was pretty awful. It's a feeling that cannot be explained. My body felt like I had been hit by a car. I had no energy. NONE. I tried to be super girl the next day and head to Target to return some wedding gifts. I thought I was going to die. I laid down on the desk next to the registry and fell right asleep! I know now, I am not super girl. You can imagine the frustration in being newly married and just wanting to be a wife! I felt like the worst wife in the world. I didn't leave my bed for a week. Of course Rob would never complain, but it was my own demons that made me feel that way. Towards the end of the week I was able to go on a walk by myself. I walked around the neighborhood and cried because I just wanted to be a wife, I just wanted to be able to have a baby. Chemo can cause infertility and that day I had hit my breaking point. I cried to the Lord and expressed how much I just wanted to be a wife and mom… While I did not feel like a baby was coming my way soon, I felt so strongly that the Lord loved me. That this was my plan whatever it may be. He has given me Rob, which has been the biggest blessing of my life. The Lord's love was enough to make me feel better. Knowing he loved me, and understanding the atonement on a completely different level I knew all things would give me experience and be for my good. I will never be the same after all of this. I have already learned things I never would have. I am so grateful for the peace and comfort our Savior can give to each of us.
