I haven't written in awhile. Mostly because things seem to be going great! I wanted just to write about my cancer experience and since I things have been on the upswing since I ended chemo, I haven't written. Rob is doing great! He is busy with law school and I love him for it! Fighting for your life gives you an appreciation for it, that I cannot explain! I LOVE life. I appreciate even the smallest things, things I never would have! A good work-out, the taste of french fries, and a simple date night. Things mean even more to me. Cancer has changed me.
But, today I've had an "off" day. Everything started fine, but when I was working out, I looked back at my old instagram pictures. I saw a picture of last Thanksgiving. My HAIR! it was so thick and pretty. It would take me 45 minutes just to do my hair. I could wash it in warm water, blow dry, product that heck out of it, and curl it. All the sudden, I missed my hair. I missed my long, pretty hair. I used to think it was so annoying. It took too long to do, it was too thick, and it was too frizzy. Today, my hair is SO thin and stringy. It's orange because I can't color it, and I am still not supposed to do it. I shower in cold water. I am SO grateful for the hair I have. I am so grateful the cap worked. I am so grateful I didn't have to experience shaving my head. But, today, I just miss my hair.
This lead to a bunch of emotions. I miss my eyelashes. I miss my eyebrows. I hate having to draw them in, and most the time I do it unevenly. I miss my tan skin. I miss my "body parts" from before the mastectomy.I miss my old body.I feel like everyone around me is pregnant. I had a flash back of Rob and I discussing a honeymoon baby because we weren't "spring chickens." This of course, was before I found out I had cancer. I am so happy for all my sweet friends that are pregnant. But, sometimes I get jealous. I hate myself for feeling jealous. I know God's timing is what's best and I've heard that from so many people. But sometimes, that comment doesn't help. I don't know if I am more sad about not being able to have kids now, or more the uncertainty of not being able to have kids at all. Probably the latter. So, while I am so grateful for my beautiful life, today it an "off day." I am going to miss my hair, I am going to cry about the uncertainty of having children, and I am going have a one-man pity party.
But, also, today I am going to be grateful for tomorrows!
