Friday, June 6, 2014

Second Treatment. DONE!

I have completed my second round of treatment and finally feel on the "upswing." This treatment seemed to go a little smoother than the first. My sweet family knew how to operate the penguin cap and everything just seemed to be calm, or maybe it was just me who was calm. I knew what to expect. I knew what I was in for. This round I didn't experience as much fatigue, but I seemed to experience more nausea. What has hit me the most this round seems to be my eyesight. I cannot see out of my left eye. My right eye is fine though. It gives me a headache/migraine to see different out of each eye.
I feel ugly. 
My eyelashes have begun falling out... This was not a good day. I woke up and noticed about half of my lashes on my left upper eye had fallen out. My other eyelashes are breaking off and I have clusters of some missing. The doctors told me this usually doesn't happen until the fourth treatment but everyone seems to be different. BUT, on a brighter note: this must mean my penguin cap is working! My hair has thinned quite a bit, but it's still there, and for that I am grateful. I have noticed that I look "sick." my face is very pale and I have dark bags under my eyes. I am feeling "better" so it's frustrating to look in the mirror and still look sick! We so often take for granted the little things that make us feel beautiful. Even if it's just doing your hair. I can't remember the last time I looked in the mirror and thought I looked ok!
You'd think some silver lining is that I'd be able to lose some weight from the chemo, but unfortunately that's just not the case. My cravings include: Arbys, tacos, mint-chocolate chip ice cream, grilled cheese, tomato soup, McDonalds oatmeal, and plumbs. Pretty random!
But, I am learning so much about the definition of beautiful. I wish I could say that it's easy to look in the mirror and think I look ok, but it's something I am still learning to do! What is beautiful is that I can look in the mirror and know that I will be cured and that hopefully, one day I can speak with authenticity to someone who might experience this. What is beautiful, is that I have a husband, who despite my appearance reminds me every day how beautiful I am to him. He is my ultimate silver lining. What is beautiful is that God gave me a wonderful sister whom I have never felt so close to because of this. I am grateful to see beauty in a different way when I look in the mirror, not just my physical appearance.


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