But, oh so many blessings.

This past week has been one filled with so many blessings but a little bitter as well. Rob and I have had the opportunity to have a few news articles about our story. WOW! We feel so blessed and have felt incredible support! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I am coming close to my one year mark of my diagnosis. Time has gone so slow and yet so fast. I have reflected so much about all that has taken place this past year, lots and lots of change. I was thinking the other day, "I wonder what I was doing around this time last year... I had no idea what was about to hit me." I kept thinking about it, and all of the sudden I felt so anxious. I have no reason to feel anxious. But I could not stop thinking about it. I kept praying that this feeling would go away and that I could find peace. I just couldn't. I felt like I was going a little bit crazy. How can I feel so anxious when I have no reason to be?
I called my oncologist, who is THE best. Her name is Sandra Buys and just hearing her voice calms my soul. I explained how anxious I felt, even though I had no reason. I told her how I kept on envisioning the cancer coming back. She explained to me that sometimes our bodies can only handle so much fear and emotion at one time, and sometimes our bodies have to release that emotion at a "safer-time." This is my "safer-time." Feelings buried alive never die. When I first got diagnosed I went into solider phase. Of course I had a good cry, actually more like a few good cries. But, I can tell you that I held more tears back than I actually allowed myself to cry.
I felt like God was disappointed in me. I felt like I didn't learn as much as I should have and was selfish while I was going through chemo. I know I did the best I could with the way I felt, but this taught me a lesson:  Take advantage of your trials. Learn all you can. Do the best you can, but be kind to yourself. Your trials only last so long, but you have eternity to think about how you handled it. Enjoy the spirit that comes with hard things. As sick as I felt, there was a certain sweetness in my home. It felt incredibly peaceful. I felt the blessings from all of the prayers of so many. Thank you. At first when people would say, "I've prayed for you, I've fasted for you, I put your name on the prayer roll..." It would make me a little uncomfortable. I learned  ultimate gratitude for those blessings, and that I just can't do it alone. There was so many miracles that took place. Pray, pray, pray and be kind to yourself when you get anxious, jealous, or even angry. Surely a loving Heavenly Father who created emotions must understand them perfectly. What matters is how you react to those emotions.
So even though right now I feel a little anxious and JUST NOW am thinking, "What on earth just happened?" Cancer is one of my greatest blessings.

 Still doing my treatments every 3 weeks! My port got a little infected so they had to flush it out... REALLY painful!

How cute is my husband? He'll facetime me when I am about to go to bed and he's still studying. Welcome to my LIFE! He's always studying!

We're Marchin On.

In my second round of chemo I started loosing some vision in my left eye... This can be normal with chemo so they said not to worry about it but always thought it was a little strange that it was ONLY my left eye. My vision should be better by now, so they took me off treatment for awhile to see if that would clear it up, and find out what the issue was. 

So eye doctor appointments have occupied my time lately! The eye doctor is not sure if the chemo has caused it, or even what really is the matter. At first they suspected MS but that's not the issue. Then, they thought optic neuritis. Whatever treatment they have put me on hasn't helped the vision clear! Some days it's better than others! I am getting used to it now though. It doesn't bother me too much anymore. AND I have a perfectly great right eye! I am so grateful for my vision. I have a tendency to take things for granted until they are taken away. 

What does my vision look like in my left eye? It's almost a gray fog that is around the whole eye. I can make out shapes and figures but can't seem to see details. I have been struggling seeing color now too. 

But anyhow, they took me off treatment for awhile to see if they could figure out this eye problem. Since they are fairly sure it's not chemo related, they are putting me back on treatment tomorrow.

I was feeling so great!

Although this chemo is much more mild than the heavier stuff, I still feel pretty sick after! I get really tired for the following few days. BUT, it truly is nothing compared to that heavy stuff! I hadn't had treatment for about 5 weeks and really started to notice my energy coming back, the weight coming off, and my face collecting more color! I was feeling so great! But we are marching on! Tomorrow I go back in for treatment and more doctor appointments! I am so grateful for such a wonderful hospital that has been so responsive to my issues. Huntsman has been ONE HUGE BLESSING! 

Other big news:

My little brother, Stevie came home from Sweden! He is the sweetest. There was something really special about seeing him. He wore a pink ribbon for me in Sweden. He put my name on the temple roll over there. He had the missionaries in his mission fast for me. I could feel the blessings of his service. He would write me and say he felt horrible that he wasn't there to help more with chemo, but in reality, he was exactly where he should be warranting me more blessings than I even deserve. 

Heavenly Father Prepares Us

I would take physical pain over emotional pain any day. I have watched a dear friend go through some really hard trials lately and I have felt so much helplessness! There is nothing I can do to make it better. There is nothing I can say to take away her pain. There is no gift that can cure her heartache. I can't help but look at her and think, "this is NOT fair." It almost bugs me. She does not deserve this, and neither did our Savior. I thought about how the apostles probably looked at Christ and thought, "it's just not fair. He is perfect and is paying the ultimate price." The "innocent" still suffer pain and heartache, and it's not fair. 

I thought of how people often looked at me and said it's not fair. It wasn't, but there are harder things people go through. While it wasn't "fair" I got my ultimate gift. I got Rob. I had prayed since I was 14 that I would end up with the right person, and there he was! My sweet Rob. Chemo was the hardest thing I have ever been through, BUT what did I get in the end? I got a relationship with my husband that I never knew even existed. He has shown me unconditional love, a true Christ-like love. Our relationship is so much sweeter because of our hard times. 

A few months before I got diagnosed, I was getting ready to go on a date with Rob. I was blow drying my hair and I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "I have cancer." WEIRD. I know. But I thought about how I would tell my family and how I would tell Rob. I got tears in my eyes thinking about it and then thought I was SO weird for thinking I have cancer and actually getting teary eyed about it. 

Rob and I had our up and downs... for sure. We broke up in the summer of 2013 for a few months. It was hard and scary for me to commit and it was time to decide. I dated around a little, and SINCERELY missed Rob. I felt so "safe" around him. I felt at home with him. I had so much confidence in him. I missed his overall presence. Those of you who have been around Rob know his presence is very peaceful and deep. I swear that boy is on a different spiritual sphere. I went back in full confidence, ready to commit, and he told me no. Heartbreak overcame me. It was a different kind of heartbreak I had ever experienced. I went for a drive up the canyon and I just remember feeling so much sorrow. I knew I would be fine and could move on, but I didn't want to. So I didn't give up... I kept trying and eventually my sweetheart caved. I don't know whether it was because he loved me or felt sorry for me. When we first got together I felt like he was still "half in." I talked to him about getting engaged and he would either ignore the question, or ask me not to talk about it. He had to be ready in his time. 

I am really close to my sister. She truly is the best. I remember complaining to her about all of this. It hurt that I didn't feel like he was all in. But, I felt an uneasiness. I felt like something hard was about to happen. Something life changing. I thought for sure Rob was going to break up with me and leave me devastated once again. I told Julie something was about to happen to me, something hard. She told me I was being sensitive (which I have a tendency to do...) But, I felt a need to get close to the Lord. Later, Julie and I talked about that conversation. It was kind of creepy, but yet comforting at the same time. The Lord was preparing me. 

I have been reading the Book of Mormon and I have found many examples where the Lord prepares us for the things we are about to go through. Mine are pretty easy to see, but I also am weaker than most. I think I needed that preparation! While others may not need much! They are ready to go. I truly do believe that the Lord prepares us to go through hard things, OUR hard things. I have talked to my sweet friend and she has felt the same way. It has taught me to listen to promptings. 

But today... I just miss my hair

I haven't written in awhile. Mostly because things seem to be going great! I wanted just to write about my cancer experience and since I things have been on the upswing since I ended chemo, I haven't written. Rob is doing great! He is busy with law school and I love him for it! Fighting for your life gives you an appreciation for it, that I cannot explain! I LOVE life. I appreciate even the smallest things, things I never would have! A good work-out, the taste of french fries, and a simple date night. Things mean even more to me. Cancer has changed me.

But, today I've had an "off" day. Everything started fine, but when I was working out, I looked back at my old instagram pictures. I saw a picture of last Thanksgiving. My HAIR! it was so thick and pretty. It would take me 45 minutes just to do my hair. I could wash it in warm water, blow dry, product that heck out of it, and curl it. All the sudden, I missed my hair. I missed my long, pretty hair. I used to think it was so annoying. It took too long to do, it was too thick, and it was too frizzy. Today, my hair is SO thin and stringy. It's orange because I can't color it, and I am still not supposed to do it. I shower in cold water. I am SO grateful for the hair I have. I am so grateful the cap worked. I am so grateful I didn't have to experience shaving my head. But, today, I just miss my hair.
This lead to a bunch of emotions. I miss my eyelashes. I miss my eyebrows. I hate having to draw them in, and most the time I do it unevenly. I miss my tan skin. I miss my "body parts" from before the mastectomy.I miss my old body.I feel like everyone around me is pregnant. I had a flash back of Rob and I discussing a honeymoon baby because we weren't "spring chickens." This of course, was before I found out I had cancer. I am so happy for all my sweet friends that are pregnant. But, sometimes I get jealous. I hate myself for feeling jealous. I know God's timing is what's best and I've heard that from so many people. But sometimes, that comment doesn't help. I don't know if I am more sad about not being able to have kids now, or more the uncertainty of not being able to have kids at all. Probably the latter.   So, while I am so grateful for my beautiful life, today it an "off day." I am going to miss my hair, I am going to cry about the uncertainty of having children, and I am going have a one-man pity party.

But, also, today I am going to be grateful for tomorrows!

DONE.

I am DONE. No more chemo for me! It feels incredible to finally be finished. This has been the hardest trial I have ever had to go through. Everything went pretty well on Friday. The nurses came in at the end of the my last chemo and sang to me and clapped. It was one of the best feelings I've ever had. I know I am going to be sick for the next week or so, but I don't even care because I feel like I am actually getting better to LIVE! I am so excited just to be a wife and enjoy being newly married and being healthy. I am so grateful for all of the many blessings that have taken place. I truly feel that my cancer could have killed me, but because of the fasts and prayers of so many, has kept me alive. I look at the miracles that have taken place and feel very grateful. I look at pictures of myself before I was diagnosed and I just know I will never be the same. As cheesy as this sounds, I just want my body to rest to truly get better. I am amazed by my body. It's still working. I look in the mirror and I look HORRIBLE. I look tired. I have dark baggies under my eyes. My eyebrows are missing chunks. I have almost no lashes. My hair line has receded and I have bald spots around my ears. My nails are chipping off. I've had a double mastectomy. I have gone through the whole process of fertility. I have had a horrible staph infection where they had to cut out a chunk of my skin to get it out. I am heavy from all the steroids. BUT, I am still alive and somehow my body has kept going! Our bodies are amazing. Truly.

What I have come to know most, is that our Heavenly Father loves each of us so deeply. I have come to know that accepting his will may not be the easiest, but it's always what's best. After my mastectomy, I got really sick. I was still engaged and we were waiting to send out invitations just to make sure I'd be feeling alright for the wedding. I ended up going into the ER and the doctor had said he found another cancerous tumor in my ovaries. Right when he told me this, I started crying, Rob started crying, and the rest of my family started crying. He told us how big the tumor was which made us all cry even more. It was basically a death sentence. I remember asking God how he could do this to me? All I wanted was to send out my invitations and be healthy for my wedding and let the rest come after that. I was so upset and felt so out of control. Suddenly, I realized I was not the one in control, He was. A certain calmness and peaceful feeling swept over me and I knew I would fight as hard as I could, but God's will is what's best. Well, it wasn't a tumor, the doctor made a major mistake in telling us that. BUT, from that experience I learned I was not in charge. 

What I have also learned is that it's ok to have emotion as long as you deal with it and not dwell on it, or make assumptions. There have been so many times where I have been mad, sad, physically too tired to care, and jealous. My biggest weakness in life is comparing my life to others. How come they get to be healthy? How come I can't have a baby? How come I can't plan a wedding? the list can go on and on... I went on a run while Rob and I were in San Diego and I saw a lady in the distance who looked like she was holding a baby in a blanket. Immediately, I thought, that lucky woman gets to have a baby. I wish I could have a baby right now. As I ran closer to her, she was just holding a blanket and had sticker on her shirt that said, "FERTILE HOPE." NO KIDDING! I know all about fertile hope because that is what helped me get my fertility done. How quick was I to make assumptions. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I have really asked the Lord for one thing since I was little, and that was to have a wonderful husband. I watched my parents divorce and ever since then, have prayed that I could have a good marriage. Of course I have asked the Lord for many things, but this was the one thing I have been persistent about. He has given me the very best guy in the whole world. He's perfect for me. I could not be more grateful. I am sure people look at me and think, how lucky I am that I have the best husband. Count YOUR blessings, not others. 

I am so excited to get in a hot shower (I have to wash my hair in cold water once a week). I am so excited to go on a run and not feel fainty. I am so excited to grow back eyelashes and eyebrows. I am so excited to be DONE with menopause and not have hot flashes. I am so excited to be a healthy wife and have energy. I am so excited to color my hair and blow dry it! I have so much to look forward to. 

There has been a few things that have happened since I wrote last. Rob and I went to Vegas to visit his parents. It was so much fun! Since I can't get my port wet or my hair, he carried me around on his back in the pool. Bless his heart. We also went to Arizona for my sisters wedding. It was beautiful. The whole wedding was incredible. It looked almost as beautiful as she did! She was such a stunnning bride and looked so happy. I am so happy for her! We then went to California and hung around the beach for a few days. It's been a great summer, but we sure are ready for fall around here:) 

Until We Meet Again.

From the time I met Bishop and Sister Cusick, I was sold! I had always heard how wonderful they were, even from three years before. I was only in the ward for about a year, but had the opportunity to serve with Bishop for a little before I moved out of the ward. I wanted to share a few stories about Bishop.

When I got called to be Relief Society President, I was pretty surprised because I knew that Rob and I had plans to get married in the summer and I wouldn’t be able to serve very long. But, I did love those girls and was so excited to do it! When he asked me he said, “Brooke I have fought the Lord on calling you. I know you are going to be leaving soon. But, I can’t deny that the Lord wants you in there. Dear, you have a ride ahead of you.” I remember at this moment when he said this I knew he wasn’t talking about being Relief Society President. I felt it was something deeper. That night, I wrote in my journal expressing how I felt like something life-changing in my life was about to take place, and even Bishop knew it. In my journal I wrote, “After we concluded the interview, Bishop stared at me for awhile and its almost like he could see my future and it looked hard. I think Rob is going to break up with me.”  A few months went on and no, Rob did not break up with me but, I was diagnosed with cancer. What better mentor than Bishop? Not only was I working with Bishop, I got to work with the girls who have been so supportive. I am so grateful for Bishop and that he listened to the spirit. It has touched my life in ways I never thought possible.

After I got my surgery, Bishop and Sister Cusick came to visit me. Just before they came, the doctors came in and told me I need to get up and do a loop around the hospital floor. I had already told them no three times before so I finally got up. This walk proved to be the hardest of my life. I was in so much pain. As I was walking I felt LIFE hit me: newly engaged, 4 more surgeries ahead, and chemotherapy. I wanted to sit down and start crying. My family was trying to cheer me on to keep going, but I felt like they spoke with no authenticity.  I prayed to Heavenly Father asking him to give me strength to keep going and help to accept my reality. I look up and see Bishop. He gave me a slight smile and that gave me the strength to keep moving. I was moving VERY slow, but he waited, even though I know he did not feel well himself. When I finally reached him, he kissed my forehead and said, “Well done dear.”

I have thought back to that so many times and can’t help but think of the Savior. The Savior doesn’t come rescue us from the pain because sometimes pain means healing, but he watches and he knows exactly what pains we are experiencing, just as Bishop did with me that day. I sure hope when I pass, I can get a, “well done dear” from Bishop again.

The last time I saw Bishop he was sitting by the barn across from his house. I had come to say hi.  He didn’t say too much, but we talked about “chemo brain” and forgetfulness.  Rob and I got in the car, and I watched him and sister Cusick, arms wrapped around each other walking home. There was something so sweet and tender about watching them. Their loving relationship was an example to so many young single adults.

I don’t think a Bishop has been more adored or will be adored than Bishop Cusick. 

Fourth Treatment, DONE.

I have completed my fourth round! Which means only two more. I am so grateful and happy to be in this position. This round has been pretty hard. I still get very sick, but my body seems to overcome it. Our bodies are truly amazing. Each treatment, I am amazed at how quickly things can turn around and my body presses on. My body is tired. I feel more fatigue, but it keeps going. My hope in the future has been lacking, and I need to work on it. I told Robbie how I just wanted 5 years of "normal." I just wanted 5 years of no health problems and no major life changing issues. I told Rob how I wanted just to be a wife and mom and be able to have my babies. I wasn't asking for money or no problems at all, just the "normal problems." 5 years is that too much to ask? Rob kicked me into gear  which was probably just what I needed. How quickly I have forgotten where my time comes from, my Heavenly Father. The "normal" life is one to be so grateful for. Those things that we think we are entitled to are not ours, but HUGE blessings and gifts. Even now, I am blessed with so very much. I found this Mormon Message and it proves to be my favorite yet. While I do not think that God gave me cancer, I have NO doubt that this was my plan, and this is what I needed to be what God wants me to be. 

One of the hardest parts about going through this treatment has been my inability to serve others. I have been so tired and weak that I haven't had the opportunity to serve. I was Relief Society president before I got married, and loved serving there. I thought about "my girls" all the time. I was given an abundant amount of love for each individual girl. I felt God's love for them, and I just wanted to help them in any way I could. Now, I feel like I am focused on myself and am too weak to really serve those around me. I am forever grateful for those that have served me. I am grateful for friendships I have developed but I am ready to serve again. Service brings so much happiness and fulfillment in our lives. I have gained a greater testimony of service by not being able to serve, however crazy that sounds!