STAPH.

This past week has been a little scary. I worked all day Tuesday, but on Tuesday night I started to get sick. Really sick. It came on so fast. I was throwing up uncontrollably. I could tell I was really dehydrated because my skin would stay when I pinched it. I have had a few "episodes" of dehydration before but this one seemed out of control. Julie came over to help, and we rushed over to the ER. All I wanted was fluids. They started me on fluids and usually that does the trick, but this time it didn't. I still felt extremely sick and my heart rate was way too low to let me home. I didn't have enough potassium for my heart to work probably so they put these "electric stickies" all over my chest. Things still weren't looking good. The doctors couldn't figure out what the root of the problem was. I can't explain how scary it is to have brilliant minds look at you and say, "I'm just not sure what is going on, the chemo makes things almost unexplainable because your blood counts are all over the place." I wanted to be at Huntsman, just because they have all my records and that's where I have been doing the treatments. So, I got taken in an ambulance to Huntsman. The paramedics were WONDERFUL. They were calming and reassuring that everything would be ok. On the way up there, my heart rate started dropping more, so they put oxygen on me, and then I started noticing we were going real fast. I was facing the back, so I could see all the cars parting for ME. It was a surreal feeling. Everyone was moving out of the way just for me. I prayed hard and cried. But this is one of my weakest moments, I was thinking, "can't this just end," Replaying that thought over and over didn't do any good, but I didn't seem to have any energy to fight it. I had a pitty-party the whole drive. The paramedic told me he thoought I have a nasty infection that my body just couldn't fight alone, and he ended up being right. So a couple days in the Huntsman did the trick! I'm home now and oh so happy to be!
I am so grateful for a mom and a sister who have been UNBELIEVABLY supportive. Julie was over the night I got sick and didn't leave my side. My mom flew from Arizona to be with me. When you are so scared, it's so great to have family right by your side. There comes a certain relief in seeing those you love. Julie has been so amazing. Despite her wedding plans and LIFE-CHANGING events in her life, she has been there for me every step. She is a most loyal sister and friend. My mom has flown up every treatment to help put my life back together after chemo. My dad has been there every chemo treatment to help save my hair with the penguin cap. Through this, I have gained an even greater testimony of families. The Lord has given me a network of help and love, which is my greatest gift right now. I could not do this alone. I have the ultimate support also, my Robbie, who didn't sign up for this... Poor guy, he's never seen a healthy wife. BUT, it will come soon enough. I'm halfway there.

Third Treatment... DONE.

The song keeps running through my head... "all i want to be is DONE" by Band Perry. This treatment was a little rougher. But, I guess that's how they all go! Nausea got out of control and had to go into the hospital a few days later and get some fluids. My liver counts were also a little off, so they are going to keep an eye on that. Penguin cap seems to be working! I've lost quite a bit of hair but still have some left. I have put up a video of the penguin cap for those who want to see how it works. We need to change it on the way home from the hospital so we just pull over in random parking lots. For the first week after the chemo treatment, I seem to get pretty emotional and depressed. My show, Parenhood, ended. I finished it! I cried. I was so sad that it was over. Needless to say, emotions run high for about a week:) The people that surround me are CHAMPS.

The other day I ran to Target to pick up some groceries (we will shop at Target for awhile from the gift cards...) As I was checking out the cashier asked me if I was sick. I told him no and that I was just tired. He then asked why I had port (usually I have it covered) and I told him a little of what was going on. He grabbed me and hugged me and told me God must love me a lot to let me go through this. What a difference ONE person can make! Wow! His optimism and faith was super helpful at that time! I am grateful for little tender mercies.

Rob biked in the Huntsman 140 on Saturday. He did a great job! What a sweetheart to do that!

Second Treatment. DONE!

I have completed my second round of treatment and finally feel on the "upswing." This treatment seemed to go a little smoother than the first. My sweet family knew how to operate the penguin cap and everything just seemed to be calm, or maybe it was just me who was calm. I knew what to expect. I knew what I was in for. This round I didn't experience as much fatigue, but I seemed to experience more nausea. What has hit me the most this round seems to be my eyesight. I cannot see out of my left eye. My right eye is fine though. It gives me a headache/migraine to see different out of each eye.
I feel ugly. 
My eyelashes have begun falling out... This was not a good day. I woke up and noticed about half of my lashes on my left upper eye had fallen out. My other eyelashes are breaking off and I have clusters of some missing. The doctors told me this usually doesn't happen until the fourth treatment but everyone seems to be different. BUT, on a brighter note: this must mean my penguin cap is working! My hair has thinned quite a bit, but it's still there, and for that I am grateful. I have noticed that I look "sick." my face is very pale and I have dark bags under my eyes. I am feeling "better" so it's frustrating to look in the mirror and still look sick! We so often take for granted the little things that make us feel beautiful. Even if it's just doing your hair. I can't remember the last time I looked in the mirror and thought I looked ok!
You'd think some silver lining is that I'd be able to lose some weight from the chemo, but unfortunately that's just not the case. My cravings include: Arbys, tacos, mint-chocolate chip ice cream, grilled cheese, tomato soup, McDonalds oatmeal, and plumbs. Pretty random!
But, I am learning so much about the definition of beautiful. I wish I could say that it's easy to look in the mirror and think I look ok, but it's something I am still learning to do! What is beautiful is that I can look in the mirror and know that I will be cured and that hopefully, one day I can speak with authenticity to someone who might experience this. What is beautiful, is that I have a husband, who despite my appearance reminds me every day how beautiful I am to him. He is my ultimate silver lining. What is beautiful is that God gave me a wonderful sister whom I have never felt so close to because of this. I am grateful to see beauty in a different way when I look in the mirror, not just my physical appearance.

First Treatment DONE.

One of my "rules" about having a blog was that I would not be fake and make my life seem perfect. There have been so many blogs that I have read where everything seems perfect. While I understand there's not need to hang your dirty laundry on the internet, I want to be real. Things in my life are not glamorous. Things are hard. There are many different feelings and emotions that come along with doing chemo.

May 2 was my first treatment. I decided to try something called the penguin cap. This is a cap that goes over your head while you are doing chemo to freeze the hair follicles in hopes that your hair won't fall out. Sounds pretty great right?! Well let's just talk about this cap. it's -32 degrees and needs to be worn 1 hour before infusion, during infusion, and 4 hours after infusion. Can we talk about COLD and painful. While you are on the chemo, you must wash your hair only 2 times a week in cold water, no blow dryers, no straighteners,no curling irons, no elastic rubber bands to put your hair up, and no hats. I call myself, Frizz. Maybe it will save my hair, maybe not, but it's worth a try!

The Gulbrandsens came up to help me with the cap for the first time. Karen Gulbrandsen has been one of my sweetest tender mercies. She has just recently ended her treatment and has been such an inspiration to me. Having them come up was so helpful, and it has touched me so deeply.

Rob, my mom, Julie, Austin, and the Gulbrandsens were all there to help with my first treatment. I started with the two targeted chemos which don't make me sick because they only target the cancer cells. When the nurse came in to start "the real" chemo I was so scared. Not only scared, terrified. My life was about to change and there was nothing I could do about it. I have cancer and this is my life now.  I started crying and begging her not to put it in. I looked around the room, and everyone was crying. Rob grabbed my hand, told me he loved me and there it went. Karen crawled in bed with me repeating over and over, "I can do all things in Christ which strengthen me." If you keep saying it, you'll really start to believe it!

The next week was pretty awful. It's a feeling that cannot be explained. My body felt like I had been hit by a car. I had no energy. NONE. I tried to be super girl the next day and head to Target to return some wedding gifts. I thought I was going to die. I laid down on the desk next to the registry and fell right asleep! I know now, I am not super girl. You can imagine the frustration in being newly married and just wanting to be a wife! I felt like the worst wife in the world. I didn't leave my bed for a week. Of course Rob would never complain, but it was my own demons that made me feel that way. Towards the end of the week I was able to go on a walk by myself. I walked around the neighborhood and cried because I just wanted to be a wife, I just wanted to be able to have a baby. Chemo can cause infertility and that day I had hit my breaking point. I cried to the Lord and expressed how much I just wanted to be a wife and mom… While I did not feel like a baby was coming my way soon, I felt so strongly that the Lord loved me. That this was my plan whatever it may be. He has given me Rob, which has been the biggest blessing of my life. The Lord's love was enough to make me feel better. Knowing he loved me, and understanding the atonement on a completely different level I knew all things would give me experience and be for my good. I will never be the same after all of this. I have already learned things I never would have. I am so grateful for the peace and comfort our Savior can give to each of us.

Got Myself a Husband!

I HAVE A HUSBAND! And it is the greatest thing in the world. Robbie has exceeded all expectations. He is unbelievably supportive and wonderful in every way.

My mother-in-law planned the most beautiful wedding dinner. It was so fun to share that night with close friends and family. Robbie and I felt so blessed for all the support we felt. Thank you to everyone who came! We love you!

We got married April 18, 2014 and the day was PERFECT. I never wanted to be one of those girls who annoyingly reminisced about my wedding day for AGES, but I have a feeling that's going to be me. Our sealing was so beautiful. It was my favorite part of the whole day! Robbie and I got to sit together in the celestial room for a few minutes before we got sealed and I have never felt so much PURE JOY in my life. We talked about our dating life and those ups and downs… How far we had come. We talked about what had taken place already. We talked about what is to come.
We had the opportunity to talk to Elder Holland for a moment before our sealing. He kissed me in the cheek and told me I was a beautiful bride and Rob and I could be the cover for the church news. We then got to walk into the celestial room with all of our family and close friends. MY HEART could have burst. I looked around that room and gratitude overwhelmed me. It was the happiest I had ever been. Elder Holland gave a beautiful sealing. I will always remember the feeling in that room. I am so very blessed to be sealed to the best person I know. I love him more everyday.

After the wedding we had the opportunity to take off to Hawaii for a week! Needless to say, it was AMAZING. We loved every second. I loved having Rob all to myself. He promised me no work on the honeymoon and he kept his promise. We laid out, slept in, got a massage, went zip lining, took a boat around Napoli coast, and went hiking. We had the best time!

We went from Hawaii to Arizona for our wedding reception there! That was beautiful as well! It was a relaxing night and so good to see familiar faces! A big thank you to all who made our day so very special!

**Wedding pictures to come!!

Waiting Pays Off...

First blog post! 

February 14: Valentines Day. 

Robbie had started 14 days of Valentines for me. Each day I got a little present and a card expressing why he loves me. How lucky am I? On Feb. 14 he took me to dinner in Salt Lake at a restaraunt called Avenues Proper. My great great (however many greats) grandfather was the architect for the capital, and every time we drive by I express how beautiful that building is. But, this time he suggested going to walk around and look inside. So, after dinner that is what we did. When we got out of the car, he was holding my hand so stiffly (the ring box was in his sleeve) but I thought he was just being stiff. As we were walking back to the car, he was walking unbelievably slow. I am a pretty quick mover and began feeling impatient. "Move it or lose it Robbie." He began to breathe harder and harder. 

He told me he had my 14th day gift. Gave me the card that said, "WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

He told me sweet nothings and why he loves me. Oh, my heart! He got on his knee for a millisecond. I call it "the swoop." Then put the beautiful ring on my finger. 

I always imagined I would look down at my ring and admire the sparkles. While I am definitely obsessed with my ring, it means something so much deeper. I looked down and I saw Robbie. What a gift. I have had my share of heartbreaks when it comes to dating. So many nights where I have cried myself to sleep. So many days of putting on a happy face when I really want to crawl into bed and pretend life wasn't happening. And the one thought, "I'll never get over this..." I looked down at that ring and it all paid off. The waiting, the heartbreaks, the jealously, and the many tears all paid off because I got Robbie. I am so excited to be his wife! I am so excited to make him smoothies in the morning. I am so excited to wake up to his face! I am so excited for him to be the father of our children! I am so excited to not deal with Arlington parking!

February 18: 4 years the day of my Grandfathers passing.

7:30 am:  I woke up, went to work, said a prayer asking God to tell Grandpa that I miss him and love him very much. I had found a little lump in my breast a week prior and knew that biopsy would come in sometime that day. I knew it was nothing. 

3 pm: The hospital  still hadn't contacted me. No news is good news right? 

3:45 pm: I had finished my 3 pm patient and glanced at my phone. I had about 4 missed calls, and 2 voicemails. I listened to the first from the hospital asking to call them back ASAP. I then had another voicemail from another hospital asking to get times for appointments. All the sudden I started to feel panicked. I called the Doctor's office looking for some answers. I talked to Cheryl, the nurse, and she told me my lump had come back as cancerous. She threw out terms like, stage 2, grade 3. Terms I had once memorized, but couldn't recall their meaning. I then began to weep. How could I tell me fiancé of 3 days that I had cancer. I called him and he was completely calm reminding me how much he loved me. As hard as it's been to balance my emotional and his logical, I began to feel extremely grateful for his logic. 

4 pm: I still had one more patient to clean their teeth. I began cleaning her teeth with tears coming down my cheeks and falling on her forehead. She asked me if I was ok. I told her I had just got diagnosed with breast cancer. The answer I would soon have to tell so many. My dentist came over and said he would be happy to take over and for me to just go home.

5pm: Rob came over and held me like he never has. We sat on my bed and I wept like I never had before. I asked him to move on without me, and we can figure out things after I was healthy again. That just wasn't an option to him. He wanted to love me through it. He wanted to take care of me. 

I still feel selfish dragging him in this with me. But, how blessed am I that I had waited for the right one. I may have the worst news, but I also have the best news. I have a fiancé  who really does love me unconditionally. I don't have to wonder, because I see it first hand.