Heavenly Father Prepares Us

I would take physical pain over emotional pain any day. I have watched a dear friend go through some really hard trials lately and I have felt so much helplessness! There is nothing I can do to make it better. There is nothing I can say to take away her pain. There is no gift that can cure her heartache. I can't help but look at her and think, "this is NOT fair." It almost bugs me. She does not deserve this, and neither did our Savior. I thought about how the apostles probably looked at Christ and thought, "it's just not fair. He is perfect and is paying the ultimate price." The "innocent" still suffer pain and heartache, and it's not fair. 

I thought of how people often looked at me and said it's not fair. It wasn't, but there are harder things people go through. While it wasn't "fair" I got my ultimate gift. I got Rob. I had prayed since I was 14 that I would end up with the right person, and there he was! My sweet Rob. Chemo was the hardest thing I have ever been through, BUT what did I get in the end? I got a relationship with my husband that I never knew even existed. He has shown me unconditional love, a true Christ-like love. Our relationship is so much sweeter because of our hard times. 

A few months before I got diagnosed, I was getting ready to go on a date with Rob. I was blow drying my hair and I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "I have cancer." WEIRD. I know. But I thought about how I would tell my family and how I would tell Rob. I got tears in my eyes thinking about it and then thought I was SO weird for thinking I have cancer and actually getting teary eyed about it. 

Rob and I had our up and downs... for sure. We broke up in the summer of 2013 for a few months. It was hard and scary for me to commit and it was time to decide. I dated around a little, and SINCERELY missed Rob. I felt so "safe" around him. I felt at home with him. I had so much confidence in him. I missed his overall presence. Those of you who have been around Rob know his presence is very peaceful and deep. I swear that boy is on a different spiritual sphere. I went back in full confidence, ready to commit, and he told me no. Heartbreak overcame me. It was a different kind of heartbreak I had ever experienced. I went for a drive up the canyon and I just remember feeling so much sorrow. I knew I would be fine and could move on, but I didn't want to. So I didn't give up... I kept trying and eventually my sweetheart caved. I don't know whether it was because he loved me or felt sorry for me. When we first got together I felt like he was still "half in." I talked to him about getting engaged and he would either ignore the question, or ask me not to talk about it. He had to be ready in his time. 

I am really close to my sister. She truly is the best. I remember complaining to her about all of this. It hurt that I didn't feel like he was all in. But, I felt an uneasiness. I felt like something hard was about to happen. Something life changing. I thought for sure Rob was going to break up with me and leave me devastated once again. I told Julie something was about to happen to me, something hard. She told me I was being sensitive (which I have a tendency to do...) But, I felt a need to get close to the Lord. Later, Julie and I talked about that conversation. It was kind of creepy, but yet comforting at the same time. The Lord was preparing me. 

I have been reading the Book of Mormon and I have found many examples where the Lord prepares us for the things we are about to go through. Mine are pretty easy to see, but I also am weaker than most. I think I needed that preparation! While others may not need much! They are ready to go. I truly do believe that the Lord prepares us to go through hard things, OUR hard things. I have talked to my sweet friend and she has felt the same way. It has taught me to listen to promptings. 

But today... I just miss my hair

I haven't written in awhile. Mostly because things seem to be going great! I wanted just to write about my cancer experience and since I things have been on the upswing since I ended chemo, I haven't written. Rob is doing great! He is busy with law school and I love him for it! Fighting for your life gives you an appreciation for it, that I cannot explain! I LOVE life. I appreciate even the smallest things, things I never would have! A good work-out, the taste of french fries, and a simple date night. Things mean even more to me. Cancer has changed me.

But, today I've had an "off" day. Everything started fine, but when I was working out, I looked back at my old instagram pictures. I saw a picture of last Thanksgiving. My HAIR! it was so thick and pretty. It would take me 45 minutes just to do my hair. I could wash it in warm water, blow dry, product that heck out of it, and curl it. All the sudden, I missed my hair. I missed my long, pretty hair. I used to think it was so annoying. It took too long to do, it was too thick, and it was too frizzy. Today, my hair is SO thin and stringy. It's orange because I can't color it, and I am still not supposed to do it. I shower in cold water. I am SO grateful for the hair I have. I am so grateful the cap worked. I am so grateful I didn't have to experience shaving my head. But, today, I just miss my hair.
This lead to a bunch of emotions. I miss my eyelashes. I miss my eyebrows. I hate having to draw them in, and most the time I do it unevenly. I miss my tan skin. I miss my "body parts" from before the mastectomy.I miss my old body.I feel like everyone around me is pregnant. I had a flash back of Rob and I discussing a honeymoon baby because we weren't "spring chickens." This of course, was before I found out I had cancer. I am so happy for all my sweet friends that are pregnant. But, sometimes I get jealous. I hate myself for feeling jealous. I know God's timing is what's best and I've heard that from so many people. But sometimes, that comment doesn't help. I don't know if I am more sad about not being able to have kids now, or more the uncertainty of not being able to have kids at all. Probably the latter.   So, while I am so grateful for my beautiful life, today it an "off day." I am going to miss my hair, I am going to cry about the uncertainty of having children, and I am going have a one-man pity party.

But, also, today I am going to be grateful for tomorrows!

DONE.

I am DONE. No more chemo for me! It feels incredible to finally be finished. This has been the hardest trial I have ever had to go through. Everything went pretty well on Friday. The nurses came in at the end of the my last chemo and sang to me and clapped. It was one of the best feelings I've ever had. I know I am going to be sick for the next week or so, but I don't even care because I feel like I am actually getting better to LIVE! I am so excited just to be a wife and enjoy being newly married and being healthy. I am so grateful for all of the many blessings that have taken place. I truly feel that my cancer could have killed me, but because of the fasts and prayers of so many, has kept me alive. I look at the miracles that have taken place and feel very grateful. I look at pictures of myself before I was diagnosed and I just know I will never be the same. As cheesy as this sounds, I just want my body to rest to truly get better. I am amazed by my body. It's still working. I look in the mirror and I look HORRIBLE. I look tired. I have dark baggies under my eyes. My eyebrows are missing chunks. I have almost no lashes. My hair line has receded and I have bald spots around my ears. My nails are chipping off. I've had a double mastectomy. I have gone through the whole process of fertility. I have had a horrible staph infection where they had to cut out a chunk of my skin to get it out. I am heavy from all the steroids. BUT, I am still alive and somehow my body has kept going! Our bodies are amazing. Truly.

What I have come to know most, is that our Heavenly Father loves each of us so deeply. I have come to know that accepting his will may not be the easiest, but it's always what's best. After my mastectomy, I got really sick. I was still engaged and we were waiting to send out invitations just to make sure I'd be feeling alright for the wedding. I ended up going into the ER and the doctor had said he found another cancerous tumor in my ovaries. Right when he told me this, I started crying, Rob started crying, and the rest of my family started crying. He told us how big the tumor was which made us all cry even more. It was basically a death sentence. I remember asking God how he could do this to me? All I wanted was to send out my invitations and be healthy for my wedding and let the rest come after that. I was so upset and felt so out of control. Suddenly, I realized I was not the one in control, He was. A certain calmness and peaceful feeling swept over me and I knew I would fight as hard as I could, but God's will is what's best. Well, it wasn't a tumor, the doctor made a major mistake in telling us that. BUT, from that experience I learned I was not in charge. 

What I have also learned is that it's ok to have emotion as long as you deal with it and not dwell on it, or make assumptions. There have been so many times where I have been mad, sad, physically too tired to care, and jealous. My biggest weakness in life is comparing my life to others. How come they get to be healthy? How come I can't have a baby? How come I can't plan a wedding? the list can go on and on... I went on a run while Rob and I were in San Diego and I saw a lady in the distance who looked like she was holding a baby in a blanket. Immediately, I thought, that lucky woman gets to have a baby. I wish I could have a baby right now. As I ran closer to her, she was just holding a blanket and had sticker on her shirt that said, "FERTILE HOPE." NO KIDDING! I know all about fertile hope because that is what helped me get my fertility done. How quick was I to make assumptions. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I have really asked the Lord for one thing since I was little, and that was to have a wonderful husband. I watched my parents divorce and ever since then, have prayed that I could have a good marriage. Of course I have asked the Lord for many things, but this was the one thing I have been persistent about. He has given me the very best guy in the whole world. He's perfect for me. I could not be more grateful. I am sure people look at me and think, how lucky I am that I have the best husband. Count YOUR blessings, not others. 

I am so excited to get in a hot shower (I have to wash my hair in cold water once a week). I am so excited to go on a run and not feel fainty. I am so excited to grow back eyelashes and eyebrows. I am so excited to be DONE with menopause and not have hot flashes. I am so excited to be a healthy wife and have energy. I am so excited to color my hair and blow dry it! I have so much to look forward to. 

There has been a few things that have happened since I wrote last. Rob and I went to Vegas to visit his parents. It was so much fun! Since I can't get my port wet or my hair, he carried me around on his back in the pool. Bless his heart. We also went to Arizona for my sisters wedding. It was beautiful. The whole wedding was incredible. It looked almost as beautiful as she did! She was such a stunnning bride and looked so happy. I am so happy for her! We then went to California and hung around the beach for a few days. It's been a great summer, but we sure are ready for fall around here:) 

Until We Meet Again.

From the time I met Bishop and Sister Cusick, I was sold! I had always heard how wonderful they were, even from three years before. I was only in the ward for about a year, but had the opportunity to serve with Bishop for a little before I moved out of the ward. I wanted to share a few stories about Bishop.

When I got called to be Relief Society President, I was pretty surprised because I knew that Rob and I had plans to get married in the summer and I wouldn’t be able to serve very long. But, I did love those girls and was so excited to do it! When he asked me he said, “Brooke I have fought the Lord on calling you. I know you are going to be leaving soon. But, I can’t deny that the Lord wants you in there. Dear, you have a ride ahead of you.” I remember at this moment when he said this I knew he wasn’t talking about being Relief Society President. I felt it was something deeper. That night, I wrote in my journal expressing how I felt like something life-changing in my life was about to take place, and even Bishop knew it. In my journal I wrote, “After we concluded the interview, Bishop stared at me for awhile and its almost like he could see my future and it looked hard. I think Rob is going to break up with me.”  A few months went on and no, Rob did not break up with me but, I was diagnosed with cancer. What better mentor than Bishop? Not only was I working with Bishop, I got to work with the girls who have been so supportive. I am so grateful for Bishop and that he listened to the spirit. It has touched my life in ways I never thought possible.

After I got my surgery, Bishop and Sister Cusick came to visit me. Just before they came, the doctors came in and told me I need to get up and do a loop around the hospital floor. I had already told them no three times before so I finally got up. This walk proved to be the hardest of my life. I was in so much pain. As I was walking I felt LIFE hit me: newly engaged, 4 more surgeries ahead, and chemotherapy. I wanted to sit down and start crying. My family was trying to cheer me on to keep going, but I felt like they spoke with no authenticity.  I prayed to Heavenly Father asking him to give me strength to keep going and help to accept my reality. I look up and see Bishop. He gave me a slight smile and that gave me the strength to keep moving. I was moving VERY slow, but he waited, even though I know he did not feel well himself. When I finally reached him, he kissed my forehead and said, “Well done dear.”

I have thought back to that so many times and can’t help but think of the Savior. The Savior doesn’t come rescue us from the pain because sometimes pain means healing, but he watches and he knows exactly what pains we are experiencing, just as Bishop did with me that day. I sure hope when I pass, I can get a, “well done dear” from Bishop again.

The last time I saw Bishop he was sitting by the barn across from his house. I had come to say hi.  He didn’t say too much, but we talked about “chemo brain” and forgetfulness.  Rob and I got in the car, and I watched him and sister Cusick, arms wrapped around each other walking home. There was something so sweet and tender about watching them. Their loving relationship was an example to so many young single adults.

I don’t think a Bishop has been more adored or will be adored than Bishop Cusick. 

Fourth Treatment, DONE.

I have completed my fourth round! Which means only two more. I am so grateful and happy to be in this position. This round has been pretty hard. I still get very sick, but my body seems to overcome it. Our bodies are truly amazing. Each treatment, I am amazed at how quickly things can turn around and my body presses on. My body is tired. I feel more fatigue, but it keeps going. My hope in the future has been lacking, and I need to work on it. I told Robbie how I just wanted 5 years of "normal." I just wanted 5 years of no health problems and no major life changing issues. I told Rob how I wanted just to be a wife and mom and be able to have my babies. I wasn't asking for money or no problems at all, just the "normal problems." 5 years is that too much to ask? Rob kicked me into gear  which was probably just what I needed. How quickly I have forgotten where my time comes from, my Heavenly Father. The "normal" life is one to be so grateful for. Those things that we think we are entitled to are not ours, but HUGE blessings and gifts. Even now, I am blessed with so very much. I found this Mormon Message and it proves to be my favorite yet. While I do not think that God gave me cancer, I have NO doubt that this was my plan, and this is what I needed to be what God wants me to be. 

One of the hardest parts about going through this treatment has been my inability to serve others. I have been so tired and weak that I haven't had the opportunity to serve. I was Relief Society president before I got married, and loved serving there. I thought about "my girls" all the time. I was given an abundant amount of love for each individual girl. I felt God's love for them, and I just wanted to help them in any way I could. Now, I feel like I am focused on myself and am too weak to really serve those around me. I am forever grateful for those that have served me. I am grateful for friendships I have developed but I am ready to serve again. Service brings so much happiness and fulfillment in our lives. I have gained a greater testimony of service by not being able to serve, however crazy that sounds! 

STAPH.

This past week has been a little scary. I worked all day Tuesday, but on Tuesday night I started to get sick. Really sick. It came on so fast. I was throwing up uncontrollably. I could tell I was really dehydrated because my skin would stay when I pinched it. I have had a few "episodes" of dehydration before but this one seemed out of control. Julie came over to help, and we rushed over to the ER. All I wanted was fluids. They started me on fluids and usually that does the trick, but this time it didn't. I still felt extremely sick and my heart rate was way too low to let me home. I didn't have enough potassium for my heart to work probably so they put these "electric stickies" all over my chest. Things still weren't looking good. The doctors couldn't figure out what the root of the problem was. I can't explain how scary it is to have brilliant minds look at you and say, "I'm just not sure what is going on, the chemo makes things almost unexplainable because your blood counts are all over the place." I wanted to be at Huntsman, just because they have all my records and that's where I have been doing the treatments. So, I got taken in an ambulance to Huntsman. The paramedics were WONDERFUL. They were calming and reassuring that everything would be ok. On the way up there, my heart rate started dropping more, so they put oxygen on me, and then I started noticing we were going real fast. I was facing the back, so I could see all the cars parting for ME. It was a surreal feeling. Everyone was moving out of the way just for me. I prayed hard and cried. But this is one of my weakest moments, I was thinking, "can't this just end," Replaying that thought over and over didn't do any good, but I didn't seem to have any energy to fight it. I had a pitty-party the whole drive. The paramedic told me he thoought I have a nasty infection that my body just couldn't fight alone, and he ended up being right. So a couple days in the Huntsman did the trick! I'm home now and oh so happy to be!
I am so grateful for a mom and a sister who have been UNBELIEVABLY supportive. Julie was over the night I got sick and didn't leave my side. My mom flew from Arizona to be with me. When you are so scared, it's so great to have family right by your side. There comes a certain relief in seeing those you love. Julie has been so amazing. Despite her wedding plans and LIFE-CHANGING events in her life, she has been there for me every step. She is a most loyal sister and friend. My mom has flown up every treatment to help put my life back together after chemo. My dad has been there every chemo treatment to help save my hair with the penguin cap. Through this, I have gained an even greater testimony of families. The Lord has given me a network of help and love, which is my greatest gift right now. I could not do this alone. I have the ultimate support also, my Robbie, who didn't sign up for this... Poor guy, he's never seen a healthy wife. BUT, it will come soon enough. I'm halfway there.

Third Treatment... DONE.

The song keeps running through my head... "all i want to be is DONE" by Band Perry. This treatment was a little rougher. But, I guess that's how they all go! Nausea got out of control and had to go into the hospital a few days later and get some fluids. My liver counts were also a little off, so they are going to keep an eye on that. Penguin cap seems to be working! I've lost quite a bit of hair but still have some left. I have put up a video of the penguin cap for those who want to see how it works. We need to change it on the way home from the hospital so we just pull over in random parking lots. For the first week after the chemo treatment, I seem to get pretty emotional and depressed. My show, Parenhood, ended. I finished it! I cried. I was so sad that it was over. Needless to say, emotions run high for about a week:) The people that surround me are CHAMPS.

The other day I ran to Target to pick up some groceries (we will shop at Target for awhile from the gift cards...) As I was checking out the cashier asked me if I was sick. I told him no and that I was just tired. He then asked why I had port (usually I have it covered) and I told him a little of what was going on. He grabbed me and hugged me and told me God must love me a lot to let me go through this. What a difference ONE person can make! Wow! His optimism and faith was super helpful at that time! I am grateful for little tender mercies.

Rob biked in the Huntsman 140 on Saturday. He did a great job! What a sweetheart to do that!

Second Treatment. DONE!

I have completed my second round of treatment and finally feel on the "upswing." This treatment seemed to go a little smoother than the first. My sweet family knew how to operate the penguin cap and everything just seemed to be calm, or maybe it was just me who was calm. I knew what to expect. I knew what I was in for. This round I didn't experience as much fatigue, but I seemed to experience more nausea. What has hit me the most this round seems to be my eyesight. I cannot see out of my left eye. My right eye is fine though. It gives me a headache/migraine to see different out of each eye.
I feel ugly. 
My eyelashes have begun falling out... This was not a good day. I woke up and noticed about half of my lashes on my left upper eye had fallen out. My other eyelashes are breaking off and I have clusters of some missing. The doctors told me this usually doesn't happen until the fourth treatment but everyone seems to be different. BUT, on a brighter note: this must mean my penguin cap is working! My hair has thinned quite a bit, but it's still there, and for that I am grateful. I have noticed that I look "sick." my face is very pale and I have dark bags under my eyes. I am feeling "better" so it's frustrating to look in the mirror and still look sick! We so often take for granted the little things that make us feel beautiful. Even if it's just doing your hair. I can't remember the last time I looked in the mirror and thought I looked ok!
You'd think some silver lining is that I'd be able to lose some weight from the chemo, but unfortunately that's just not the case. My cravings include: Arbys, tacos, mint-chocolate chip ice cream, grilled cheese, tomato soup, McDonalds oatmeal, and plumbs. Pretty random!
But, I am learning so much about the definition of beautiful. I wish I could say that it's easy to look in the mirror and think I look ok, but it's something I am still learning to do! What is beautiful is that I can look in the mirror and know that I will be cured and that hopefully, one day I can speak with authenticity to someone who might experience this. What is beautiful, is that I have a husband, who despite my appearance reminds me every day how beautiful I am to him. He is my ultimate silver lining. What is beautiful is that God gave me a wonderful sister whom I have never felt so close to because of this. I am grateful to see beauty in a different way when I look in the mirror, not just my physical appearance.

First Treatment DONE.

One of my "rules" about having a blog was that I would not be fake and make my life seem perfect. There have been so many blogs that I have read where everything seems perfect. While I understand there's not need to hang your dirty laundry on the internet, I want to be real. Things in my life are not glamorous. Things are hard. There are many different feelings and emotions that come along with doing chemo.

May 2 was my first treatment. I decided to try something called the penguin cap. This is a cap that goes over your head while you are doing chemo to freeze the hair follicles in hopes that your hair won't fall out. Sounds pretty great right?! Well let's just talk about this cap. it's -32 degrees and needs to be worn 1 hour before infusion, during infusion, and 4 hours after infusion. Can we talk about COLD and painful. While you are on the chemo, you must wash your hair only 2 times a week in cold water, no blow dryers, no straighteners,no curling irons, no elastic rubber bands to put your hair up, and no hats. I call myself, Frizz. Maybe it will save my hair, maybe not, but it's worth a try!

The Gulbrandsens came up to help me with the cap for the first time. Karen Gulbrandsen has been one of my sweetest tender mercies. She has just recently ended her treatment and has been such an inspiration to me. Having them come up was so helpful, and it has touched me so deeply.

Rob, my mom, Julie, Austin, and the Gulbrandsens were all there to help with my first treatment. I started with the two targeted chemos which don't make me sick because they only target the cancer cells. When the nurse came in to start "the real" chemo I was so scared. Not only scared, terrified. My life was about to change and there was nothing I could do about it. I have cancer and this is my life now.  I started crying and begging her not to put it in. I looked around the room, and everyone was crying. Rob grabbed my hand, told me he loved me and there it went. Karen crawled in bed with me repeating over and over, "I can do all things in Christ which strengthen me." If you keep saying it, you'll really start to believe it!

The next week was pretty awful. It's a feeling that cannot be explained. My body felt like I had been hit by a car. I had no energy. NONE. I tried to be super girl the next day and head to Target to return some wedding gifts. I thought I was going to die. I laid down on the desk next to the registry and fell right asleep! I know now, I am not super girl. You can imagine the frustration in being newly married and just wanting to be a wife! I felt like the worst wife in the world. I didn't leave my bed for a week. Of course Rob would never complain, but it was my own demons that made me feel that way. Towards the end of the week I was able to go on a walk by myself. I walked around the neighborhood and cried because I just wanted to be a wife, I just wanted to be able to have a baby. Chemo can cause infertility and that day I had hit my breaking point. I cried to the Lord and expressed how much I just wanted to be a wife and mom… While I did not feel like a baby was coming my way soon, I felt so strongly that the Lord loved me. That this was my plan whatever it may be. He has given me Rob, which has been the biggest blessing of my life. The Lord's love was enough to make me feel better. Knowing he loved me, and understanding the atonement on a completely different level I knew all things would give me experience and be for my good. I will never be the same after all of this. I have already learned things I never would have. I am so grateful for the peace and comfort our Savior can give to each of us.

Got Myself a Husband!

I HAVE A HUSBAND! And it is the greatest thing in the world. Robbie has exceeded all expectations. He is unbelievably supportive and wonderful in every way.

My mother-in-law planned the most beautiful wedding dinner. It was so fun to share that night with close friends and family. Robbie and I felt so blessed for all the support we felt. Thank you to everyone who came! We love you!

We got married April 18, 2014 and the day was PERFECT. I never wanted to be one of those girls who annoyingly reminisced about my wedding day for AGES, but I have a feeling that's going to be me. Our sealing was so beautiful. It was my favorite part of the whole day! Robbie and I got to sit together in the celestial room for a few minutes before we got sealed and I have never felt so much PURE JOY in my life. We talked about our dating life and those ups and downs… How far we had come. We talked about what had taken place already. We talked about what is to come.
We had the opportunity to talk to Elder Holland for a moment before our sealing. He kissed me in the cheek and told me I was a beautiful bride and Rob and I could be the cover for the church news. We then got to walk into the celestial room with all of our family and close friends. MY HEART could have burst. I looked around that room and gratitude overwhelmed me. It was the happiest I had ever been. Elder Holland gave a beautiful sealing. I will always remember the feeling in that room. I am so very blessed to be sealed to the best person I know. I love him more everyday.

After the wedding we had the opportunity to take off to Hawaii for a week! Needless to say, it was AMAZING. We loved every second. I loved having Rob all to myself. He promised me no work on the honeymoon and he kept his promise. We laid out, slept in, got a massage, went zip lining, took a boat around Napoli coast, and went hiking. We had the best time!

We went from Hawaii to Arizona for our wedding reception there! That was beautiful as well! It was a relaxing night and so good to see familiar faces! A big thank you to all who made our day so very special!

**Wedding pictures to come!!

Waiting Pays Off...

First blog post! 

February 14: Valentines Day. 

Robbie had started 14 days of Valentines for me. Each day I got a little present and a card expressing why he loves me. How lucky am I? On Feb. 14 he took me to dinner in Salt Lake at a restaraunt called Avenues Proper. My great great (however many greats) grandfather was the architect for the capital, and every time we drive by I express how beautiful that building is. But, this time he suggested going to walk around and look inside. So, after dinner that is what we did. When we got out of the car, he was holding my hand so stiffly (the ring box was in his sleeve) but I thought he was just being stiff. As we were walking back to the car, he was walking unbelievably slow. I am a pretty quick mover and began feeling impatient. "Move it or lose it Robbie." He began to breathe harder and harder. 

He told me he had my 14th day gift. Gave me the card that said, "WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

He told me sweet nothings and why he loves me. Oh, my heart! He got on his knee for a millisecond. I call it "the swoop." Then put the beautiful ring on my finger. 

I always imagined I would look down at my ring and admire the sparkles. While I am definitely obsessed with my ring, it means something so much deeper. I looked down and I saw Robbie. What a gift. I have had my share of heartbreaks when it comes to dating. So many nights where I have cried myself to sleep. So many days of putting on a happy face when I really want to crawl into bed and pretend life wasn't happening. And the one thought, "I'll never get over this..." I looked down at that ring and it all paid off. The waiting, the heartbreaks, the jealously, and the many tears all paid off because I got Robbie. I am so excited to be his wife! I am so excited to make him smoothies in the morning. I am so excited to wake up to his face! I am so excited for him to be the father of our children! I am so excited to not deal with Arlington parking!

February 18: 4 years the day of my Grandfathers passing.

7:30 am:  I woke up, went to work, said a prayer asking God to tell Grandpa that I miss him and love him very much. I had found a little lump in my breast a week prior and knew that biopsy would come in sometime that day. I knew it was nothing. 

3 pm: The hospital  still hadn't contacted me. No news is good news right? 

3:45 pm: I had finished my 3 pm patient and glanced at my phone. I had about 4 missed calls, and 2 voicemails. I listened to the first from the hospital asking to call them back ASAP. I then had another voicemail from another hospital asking to get times for appointments. All the sudden I started to feel panicked. I called the Doctor's office looking for some answers. I talked to Cheryl, the nurse, and she told me my lump had come back as cancerous. She threw out terms like, stage 2, grade 3. Terms I had once memorized, but couldn't recall their meaning. I then began to weep. How could I tell me fiancé of 3 days that I had cancer. I called him and he was completely calm reminding me how much he loved me. As hard as it's been to balance my emotional and his logical, I began to feel extremely grateful for his logic. 

4 pm: I still had one more patient to clean their teeth. I began cleaning her teeth with tears coming down my cheeks and falling on her forehead. She asked me if I was ok. I told her I had just got diagnosed with breast cancer. The answer I would soon have to tell so many. My dentist came over and said he would be happy to take over and for me to just go home.

5pm: Rob came over and held me like he never has. We sat on my bed and I wept like I never had before. I asked him to move on without me, and we can figure out things after I was healthy again. That just wasn't an option to him. He wanted to love me through it. He wanted to take care of me. 

I still feel selfish dragging him in this with me. But, how blessed am I that I had waited for the right one. I may have the worst news, but I also have the best news. I have a fiancé  who really does love me unconditionally. I don't have to wonder, because I see it first hand.