December 17, 2015

I haven't posted in awhile... I still keep an online journal but I mostly just write for myself and don't post it. I saw a patient the other day, and his vulnerability stuck out to me. His honesty with his emotions was commendable. I thought about how much he helped me with just being raw. I have talked to a few women who have suffered through miscarriages, I had my first one this past December, and it truly devastated. me. I wrote a post about the day I had the miscarriage the next day but have not yet posted. Here are my raw feelings over those two days.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

I woke up that morning with an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I felt like something might go wrong but just assumed I was being paranoid. After all, I had prayed and fasted to Heavenly Father countless times to have this baby, He would not take that away. This was an answer to my prayers.

Rob came with me to the OBGYN, and they called us both back. The Ultrasound Tech started with the external ultrasound. I could see in her face she was a little worried, she asked if she could progress to the internal ultrasound. I agreed and started to ask her questions. “Do you see anything? What is that? Has the baby grown since last time?” She was pretty impatient with me and said she just needed time to look around. From that answer I could tell something was wrong. Tears started to fill my eyes and my heart shattered.

We then went back to wait for a Doctor to talk about the ultrasound, but in my heart I already knew the outcome. We sat in that room for 20 minutes. I was crying and I could see the disappointment in Rob’s face. I will never forget the Christmas music playing in the background as I felt like my whole world was crumbling. “Have Yourself a Merry little Christmas” rang throughout the room, which made me cry even harder. I looked across from me and there was a picture of a mother holding her newborn. My heart shattered and I didn’t even care to pick it up. The Doctor finally made his appearance and I could tell in his demeanor it was bad news. He said, “You are supposed to be around 8 weeks, the baby last time measured 6 weeks and has barely grown. The baby also has no heartbeat.” He then began explaining the next few steps. Since my body didn’t recognize it as a miscarriage, he thought it would be best to have a D&C.  

 Rob and I walked back to the car in complete silence. We drove home in silence. I put my head between my legs and began to weep. Rob was very comforting and reminded me of Heavenly Fathers plan, and the importance to remember everything happens for a reason. This did not make sense to me though. Am I just not meant to be a mother? Would I just mess my kids up? What happened to all of my prayers and fasting? Did I do something wrong? Did I exercise too hard? Did I drink too much caffeine? Were my showers too hot?

Memories began to flood my mind. The joy that came when I found out I was pregnant compared to that of my wedding day. My heart could have exploded. I showed Rob that pregnancy stick and his face expressed sheer happiness that I will never forget. I cried with pure joy. We were like two giddy kids that couldn’t hold still! We both just kept staring at the stick. We both got on our knees to thank Heavenly Father for the opportunity to become parents. The next few days were filled with little exchanges in public because we were the only ones “who knew.” How could all of this be taken away from me? Each store I would go in, I would check out the baby isle. I wanted to just look at the newborn clothes. I would walk with complete gratitude always expressing to my Heavenly Father how grateful I was for this little baby. Did he not see that? Did he not hear those prayers of gratitude?

Once we got home, I got into bed and didn’t want to move. Robbie had to run a few errands, which was fine with me since all I wanted to do was weep alone. I cried and cried and cried. I think that was the hardest I have cried since the night I found out I had cancer. That feeling was all too familiar. I remembered that feeling so vividly and was feeling it again. I thought about how despite that feeling, everything worked out. By the end, I was grateful for the lessons cancer had taught me. That gave me a little comfort. The hospital called while I was lying down and told me to come in about 1:30. The nurse over the phone then proceeded to ask questions about my medical history. I went over with her some of the details of the cancer. She then said, “Wow. It sounds like you have had a horrible few years. I can’t believe this. I am so sorry we need to see you again.” I thought about when she said, horrible years. They haven’t been all horrible. They have been wonderful and have stretched me to lengths I never thought possible. In some moments though, I would have said, horrible year(s). I am hoping to look back on this situation the same way, a life stretching opportunity.  I want to be one of God’s most eager students to learn what he would like me to.

Rob came home and laid in bed with me. I looked at him and saw his eyes were swollen. I don’t think I have ever seen Rob cry. I asked if he had been crying and he responded that this was indeed hard for him as well.  I went to the hospital and checked in with Rob, my Dad, and Laura. We only needed to wait a few minutes until they took me back. I knew most of the nurses. I was in the same room I was in the day I got my double mastectomy. Everything went fairly well. Honestly, I was happy to be “put under” at that point. Anything to get me out of my body that I felt so very trapped in. Every time I come out of the anesthesia my body just shakes and shakes. The nurse that helped me to recover was excellent. She said I have the cutest husband waiting for me and reminded me how lucky I was to have that. I really am.

That night Stevie and Rachel came over and were so sweet to me. They brought me flowers and my favorite Swig necessities. Their presence was calming. I am so grateful for family and close, honest friends. Jannae sent me the most beautiful flowers. I had sweet texts from a few friends. Friends that I was sincerely grateful for in that moment weren’t too “awkward” or “didn’t know what to say,” said something. I didn’t even respond back, but it was the fact that they said something that meant everything.  Julie was sure to send my favorite flowers and of course was very supportive. My dad came to the hospital to help me get settled. My mom called countless times making sure I was going to be okay. Most of all, Rob was wonderful. I saw how much we had been through together in such a short time and his consistency through all of it. He always sees things in an eternal perspective. Sometimes that can be hard for me, but the end I am always grateful for that.

Going to sleep was really hard for me. I cried myself to sleep and then woke up around 2am crying. Rob tried to cuddle me to sleep, but I just couldn’t sleep. I got up and mopped the floors, scrubbed the kitchen, and did the laundry. I got back into bed and was able to sleep a little more. I woke up with a call from my Grandma expressing her sorrow and apologies. She is the best. She had a hard time having children, and also had a miscarriage. It’s always nice to talk to someone that understands things first hand.

I am grateful for the atonement. I am grateful that no matter how painful this is; I know I will find joy and happiness in the months to follow. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who wants the best for me, even if I don’t understand it. I know he wants the best for me. I feel somewhat distant from Him right now, I am sure that is my pavilion covering myself. I am trying to remove it. I am grateful that when I am ready to pick up my shattered heart, angels will be round about me. I am indeed grateful for the gospel. “Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot cure.” 

Just for a Season.

The doctors have had to put me back on a steroid for my eye. It helps with the inflammation and has helped my vision quite a bit! I AM BEYOND GRATEFUL. I don't really like steroids. My appetite increases ten-fold, I can't sleep, and I am anxious. But, I see better! So I'll take it!

Rob and I always joke around about our life. I seem to be one of those needy wives that can't stand when he leaves and he always says, "it's just for a season!" Recently I have had quite a few people ask me about what to say and how to help people going through chemo or a cancer diagnosis as the patient and as the friend. I thought I'd share some of my experience... And hopefully your experience is "just for a season."

For the Friend
CHEMO BRAIN IS REAL- When my doctors told me about this I thought there is NO way I'll be like that. My mind thinks a thousand words a minute. Well... It's not really the "feelings" that get jumbled, it's the words. Sometimes I find myself trying to put sentences together. This never used to happen to me ha! I can't convey the message I am trying to get across. ALSO. I forget texting people back, and I forget people's names. I know what you are thinking... "I have that same thing." I hate to be rude, but no. So be patient with those you love on chemo. Their brains just aren't as quick as they used to be, and trust me, they are more frustrated about it than you are.

Don't act different. I so appreciated it when people would just treat me normal. Especially when I first found out. I felt like everyone looked at me with pity. A couple days after I found out I called one of Rob's friends to see how they were doing with this girl they were dating. He told me about what was going on etc. etc. It was the best. He had no idea of my big news and later said, "you let me talk about a girlfriend when you had this going on!?" Yes. And it felt wonderful to feel normal.

Be understanding. It's not you, sometimes they just don't feel good. I normally am a pretty upbeat person and love to listen. Chemo wears you out. Sometimes members of my family would ask if I was mad or upset. Nope. Just didn't feel well.

When you first get diagnosed people that you knew from elementary school start contacting you and giving you advice. They give you advice from peach pits to treatments in Uganda. I have LOVED all advice. It's always interesting to see what others do. But at first, it's a little overwhelming. Wait a bit to give advice. The best thing someone did for me was type up a list of medications to get and "tricks" for nausea. She typed it up and gave it to me and just said, "when you are ready check it out." PERFECT!

Be a steady friend... This probably meant the most to me.  The support is incredible at first. And then it dies down. Towards the latter of your treatments is when you really need that support. One of my dear friends checked on me at least every other day. It didn't need to be long, and she never even expected a text back. But boy, did it mean the world. I would look forward to hearing from her every time.

A port is a little device under the skin that has a tube to the vein and to the heart. It makes treatments MUCH easier. The chemo goes in quickly and they can draw blood easy. It hurts for them to access it, but after that it's so much easier than being poked millions of times.

For the Patient
When you first get diagnosed your time is occupied. I always joked that getting cancer was a full time job. I promise, the doctors appointments will eventually decrease.

Take one step at a time. Sometimes even take one hour at a time. Two days after I found out I could not sleep. I ended up sleeping with my mom and just laid there wide awake. Doctor appointments occupied the whole next day, and I had a scan to show how far they thought the cancer had spread. I was so anxious. It felt like each minute was an hour. I got up at about 4 AM and laid on the bathroom floor and sobbed. I didn't want my mom to hear me cry in bed. I am pretty sure that's the hardest I had cried in my life. My mom ended up waking up and laying next to me on the bathroom floor and told me, "Take only one step at a time. Even if you need to just take one hour a time do it. Don't think of what needs to be done or everything that awaits. Just get through THIS doctors appointment."

Know that everyone around you is doing their best and they are hurting too... People love you. They are just trying to do their best. There was one point where I was in the hospital and I was SO sick. My husband had a big smile on his face and was trying to stay optimistic. I said, "If you can't even shed a tear about everything going on GET OUT." He walked out. I felt horrible. He was just trying to be positive for me.

There is beauty in being sick. You come to find inner beauty pretty fast. Almost every woman I have talked to has one thing that they "hold" unto to hide behind what is going on. For me, it was my hair. When my hair would fall out I would CRY and CRY. Everytime I washed my hair it would just come out by the handfuls and I would store them in a waterbottle so I could see how much I lost that day. I was a little bit crazy.  For another woman I talked to it was her eyelashes. When her eyelashes fell out, she lost it. And then there was one lady who talked about her eyebrows. We seem to hold onto "something" that makes us feel beautiful. Something we can hide behind. I went to lunch with my sister the other day and I thought of when she rushed me to the ER one night. I had been throwing up so uncontrollably and looked AWFUL. I was scared of getting vomit on her. She packed me a night bag and led me to the car. I thought of that moment at lunch and my heart could have exploded with love for her. There comes a special love for those who take care of you when you are sick like that.

So there you have it. There is my most likely "unwanted" advice. Those are just things I wish I would have known a little more.

Rob and I will also be in channel 2 this Thursday at 5pm. They came and did a story on our love story. We feel so flattered that they would come and ask us questions and want to know about us. They asked us to reminisce about our wedding day while looking at the wedding album. They said, "act like we aren't here." I thought to myself, "I really don't think we'd be looking at this if you weren't here..."

But, oh so many blessings.

This past week has been one filled with so many blessings but a little bitter as well. Rob and I have had the opportunity to have a few news articles about our story. WOW! We feel so blessed and have felt incredible support! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I am coming close to my one year mark of my diagnosis. Time has gone so slow and yet so fast. I have reflected so much about all that has taken place this past year, lots and lots of change. I was thinking the other day, "I wonder what I was doing around this time last year... I had no idea what was about to hit me." I kept thinking about it, and all of the sudden I felt so anxious. I have no reason to feel anxious. But I could not stop thinking about it. I kept praying that this feeling would go away and that I could find peace. I just couldn't. I felt like I was going a little bit crazy. How can I feel so anxious when I have no reason to be?
I called my oncologist, who is THE best. Her name is Sandra Buys and just hearing her voice calms my soul. I explained how anxious I felt, even though I had no reason. I told her how I kept on envisioning the cancer coming back. She explained to me that sometimes our bodies can only handle so much fear and emotion at one time, and sometimes our bodies have to release that emotion at a "safer-time." This is my "safer-time." Feelings buried alive never die. When I first got diagnosed I went into solider phase. Of course I had a good cry, actually more like a few good cries. But, I can tell you that I held more tears back than I actually allowed myself to cry.
I felt like God was disappointed in me. I felt like I didn't learn as much as I should have and was selfish while I was going through chemo. I know I did the best I could with the way I felt, but this taught me a lesson:  Take advantage of your trials. Learn all you can. Do the best you can, but be kind to yourself. Your trials only last so long, but you have eternity to think about how you handled it. Enjoy the spirit that comes with hard things. As sick as I felt, there was a certain sweetness in my home. It felt incredibly peaceful. I felt the blessings from all of the prayers of so many. Thank you. At first when people would say, "I've prayed for you, I've fasted for you, I put your name on the prayer roll..." It would make me a little uncomfortable. I learned  ultimate gratitude for those blessings, and that I just can't do it alone. There was so many miracles that took place. Pray, pray, pray and be kind to yourself when you get anxious, jealous, or even angry. Surely a loving Heavenly Father who created emotions must understand them perfectly. What matters is how you react to those emotions.
So even though right now I feel a little anxious and JUST NOW am thinking, "What on earth just happened?" Cancer is one of my greatest blessings.

 Still doing my treatments every 3 weeks! My port got a little infected so they had to flush it out... REALLY painful!

How cute is my husband? He'll facetime me when I am about to go to bed and he's still studying. Welcome to my LIFE! He's always studying!

We're Marchin On.

In my second round of chemo I started loosing some vision in my left eye... This can be normal with chemo so they said not to worry about it but always thought it was a little strange that it was ONLY my left eye. My vision should be better by now, so they took me off treatment for awhile to see if that would clear it up, and find out what the issue was. 

So eye doctor appointments have occupied my time lately! The eye doctor is not sure if the chemo has caused it, or even what really is the matter. At first they suspected MS but that's not the issue. Then, they thought optic neuritis. Whatever treatment they have put me on hasn't helped the vision clear! Some days it's better than others! I am getting used to it now though. It doesn't bother me too much anymore. AND I have a perfectly great right eye! I am so grateful for my vision. I have a tendency to take things for granted until they are taken away. 

What does my vision look like in my left eye? It's almost a gray fog that is around the whole eye. I can make out shapes and figures but can't seem to see details. I have been struggling seeing color now too. 

But anyhow, they took me off treatment for awhile to see if they could figure out this eye problem. Since they are fairly sure it's not chemo related, they are putting me back on treatment tomorrow.

I was feeling so great!

Although this chemo is much more mild than the heavier stuff, I still feel pretty sick after! I get really tired for the following few days. BUT, it truly is nothing compared to that heavy stuff! I hadn't had treatment for about 5 weeks and really started to notice my energy coming back, the weight coming off, and my face collecting more color! I was feeling so great! But we are marching on! Tomorrow I go back in for treatment and more doctor appointments! I am so grateful for such a wonderful hospital that has been so responsive to my issues. Huntsman has been ONE HUGE BLESSING! 

Other big news:

My little brother, Stevie came home from Sweden! He is the sweetest. There was something really special about seeing him. He wore a pink ribbon for me in Sweden. He put my name on the temple roll over there. He had the missionaries in his mission fast for me. I could feel the blessings of his service. He would write me and say he felt horrible that he wasn't there to help more with chemo, but in reality, he was exactly where he should be warranting me more blessings than I even deserve. 

Heavenly Father Prepares Us

I would take physical pain over emotional pain any day. I have watched a dear friend go through some really hard trials lately and I have felt so much helplessness! There is nothing I can do to make it better. There is nothing I can say to take away her pain. There is no gift that can cure her heartache. I can't help but look at her and think, "this is NOT fair." It almost bugs me. She does not deserve this, and neither did our Savior. I thought about how the apostles probably looked at Christ and thought, "it's just not fair. He is perfect and is paying the ultimate price." The "innocent" still suffer pain and heartache, and it's not fair. 

I thought of how people often looked at me and said it's not fair. It wasn't, but there are harder things people go through. While it wasn't "fair" I got my ultimate gift. I got Rob. I had prayed since I was 14 that I would end up with the right person, and there he was! My sweet Rob. Chemo was the hardest thing I have ever been through, BUT what did I get in the end? I got a relationship with my husband that I never knew even existed. He has shown me unconditional love, a true Christ-like love. Our relationship is so much sweeter because of our hard times. 

A few months before I got diagnosed, I was getting ready to go on a date with Rob. I was blow drying my hair and I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "I have cancer." WEIRD. I know. But I thought about how I would tell my family and how I would tell Rob. I got tears in my eyes thinking about it and then thought I was SO weird for thinking I have cancer and actually getting teary eyed about it. 

Rob and I had our up and downs... for sure. We broke up in the summer of 2013 for a few months. It was hard and scary for me to commit and it was time to decide. I dated around a little, and SINCERELY missed Rob. I felt so "safe" around him. I felt at home with him. I had so much confidence in him. I missed his overall presence. Those of you who have been around Rob know his presence is very peaceful and deep. I swear that boy is on a different spiritual sphere. I went back in full confidence, ready to commit, and he told me no. Heartbreak overcame me. It was a different kind of heartbreak I had ever experienced. I went for a drive up the canyon and I just remember feeling so much sorrow. I knew I would be fine and could move on, but I didn't want to. So I didn't give up... I kept trying and eventually my sweetheart caved. I don't know whether it was because he loved me or felt sorry for me. When we first got together I felt like he was still "half in." I talked to him about getting engaged and he would either ignore the question, or ask me not to talk about it. He had to be ready in his time. 

I am really close to my sister. She truly is the best. I remember complaining to her about all of this. It hurt that I didn't feel like he was all in. But, I felt an uneasiness. I felt like something hard was about to happen. Something life changing. I thought for sure Rob was going to break up with me and leave me devastated once again. I told Julie something was about to happen to me, something hard. She told me I was being sensitive (which I have a tendency to do...) But, I felt a need to get close to the Lord. Later, Julie and I talked about that conversation. It was kind of creepy, but yet comforting at the same time. The Lord was preparing me. 

I have been reading the Book of Mormon and I have found many examples where the Lord prepares us for the things we are about to go through. Mine are pretty easy to see, but I also am weaker than most. I think I needed that preparation! While others may not need much! They are ready to go. I truly do believe that the Lord prepares us to go through hard things, OUR hard things. I have talked to my sweet friend and she has felt the same way. It has taught me to listen to promptings. 

But today... I just miss my hair

I haven't written in awhile. Mostly because things seem to be going great! I wanted just to write about my cancer experience and since I things have been on the upswing since I ended chemo, I haven't written. Rob is doing great! He is busy with law school and I love him for it! Fighting for your life gives you an appreciation for it, that I cannot explain! I LOVE life. I appreciate even the smallest things, things I never would have! A good work-out, the taste of french fries, and a simple date night. Things mean even more to me. Cancer has changed me.

But, today I've had an "off" day. Everything started fine, but when I was working out, I looked back at my old instagram pictures. I saw a picture of last Thanksgiving. My HAIR! it was so thick and pretty. It would take me 45 minutes just to do my hair. I could wash it in warm water, blow dry, product that heck out of it, and curl it. All the sudden, I missed my hair. I missed my long, pretty hair. I used to think it was so annoying. It took too long to do, it was too thick, and it was too frizzy. Today, my hair is SO thin and stringy. It's orange because I can't color it, and I am still not supposed to do it. I shower in cold water. I am SO grateful for the hair I have. I am so grateful the cap worked. I am so grateful I didn't have to experience shaving my head. But, today, I just miss my hair.
This lead to a bunch of emotions. I miss my eyelashes. I miss my eyebrows. I hate having to draw them in, and most the time I do it unevenly. I miss my tan skin. I miss my "body parts" from before the mastectomy.I miss my old body.I feel like everyone around me is pregnant. I had a flash back of Rob and I discussing a honeymoon baby because we weren't "spring chickens." This of course, was before I found out I had cancer. I am so happy for all my sweet friends that are pregnant. But, sometimes I get jealous. I hate myself for feeling jealous. I know God's timing is what's best and I've heard that from so many people. But sometimes, that comment doesn't help. I don't know if I am more sad about not being able to have kids now, or more the uncertainty of not being able to have kids at all. Probably the latter.   So, while I am so grateful for my beautiful life, today it an "off day." I am going to miss my hair, I am going to cry about the uncertainty of having children, and I am going have a one-man pity party.

But, also, today I am going to be grateful for tomorrows!

DONE.

I am DONE. No more chemo for me! It feels incredible to finally be finished. This has been the hardest trial I have ever had to go through. Everything went pretty well on Friday. The nurses came in at the end of the my last chemo and sang to me and clapped. It was one of the best feelings I've ever had. I know I am going to be sick for the next week or so, but I don't even care because I feel like I am actually getting better to LIVE! I am so excited just to be a wife and enjoy being newly married and being healthy. I am so grateful for all of the many blessings that have taken place. I truly feel that my cancer could have killed me, but because of the fasts and prayers of so many, has kept me alive. I look at the miracles that have taken place and feel very grateful. I look at pictures of myself before I was diagnosed and I just know I will never be the same. As cheesy as this sounds, I just want my body to rest to truly get better. I am amazed by my body. It's still working. I look in the mirror and I look HORRIBLE. I look tired. I have dark baggies under my eyes. My eyebrows are missing chunks. I have almost no lashes. My hair line has receded and I have bald spots around my ears. My nails are chipping off. I've had a double mastectomy. I have gone through the whole process of fertility. I have had a horrible staph infection where they had to cut out a chunk of my skin to get it out. I am heavy from all the steroids. BUT, I am still alive and somehow my body has kept going! Our bodies are amazing. Truly.

What I have come to know most, is that our Heavenly Father loves each of us so deeply. I have come to know that accepting his will may not be the easiest, but it's always what's best. After my mastectomy, I got really sick. I was still engaged and we were waiting to send out invitations just to make sure I'd be feeling alright for the wedding. I ended up going into the ER and the doctor had said he found another cancerous tumor in my ovaries. Right when he told me this, I started crying, Rob started crying, and the rest of my family started crying. He told us how big the tumor was which made us all cry even more. It was basically a death sentence. I remember asking God how he could do this to me? All I wanted was to send out my invitations and be healthy for my wedding and let the rest come after that. I was so upset and felt so out of control. Suddenly, I realized I was not the one in control, He was. A certain calmness and peaceful feeling swept over me and I knew I would fight as hard as I could, but God's will is what's best. Well, it wasn't a tumor, the doctor made a major mistake in telling us that. BUT, from that experience I learned I was not in charge. 

What I have also learned is that it's ok to have emotion as long as you deal with it and not dwell on it, or make assumptions. There have been so many times where I have been mad, sad, physically too tired to care, and jealous. My biggest weakness in life is comparing my life to others. How come they get to be healthy? How come I can't have a baby? How come I can't plan a wedding? the list can go on and on... I went on a run while Rob and I were in San Diego and I saw a lady in the distance who looked like she was holding a baby in a blanket. Immediately, I thought, that lucky woman gets to have a baby. I wish I could have a baby right now. As I ran closer to her, she was just holding a blanket and had sticker on her shirt that said, "FERTILE HOPE." NO KIDDING! I know all about fertile hope because that is what helped me get my fertility done. How quick was I to make assumptions. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I have really asked the Lord for one thing since I was little, and that was to have a wonderful husband. I watched my parents divorce and ever since then, have prayed that I could have a good marriage. Of course I have asked the Lord for many things, but this was the one thing I have been persistent about. He has given me the very best guy in the whole world. He's perfect for me. I could not be more grateful. I am sure people look at me and think, how lucky I am that I have the best husband. Count YOUR blessings, not others. 

I am so excited to get in a hot shower (I have to wash my hair in cold water once a week). I am so excited to go on a run and not feel fainty. I am so excited to grow back eyelashes and eyebrows. I am so excited to be DONE with menopause and not have hot flashes. I am so excited to be a healthy wife and have energy. I am so excited to color my hair and blow dry it! I have so much to look forward to. 

There has been a few things that have happened since I wrote last. Rob and I went to Vegas to visit his parents. It was so much fun! Since I can't get my port wet or my hair, he carried me around on his back in the pool. Bless his heart. We also went to Arizona for my sisters wedding. It was beautiful. The whole wedding was incredible. It looked almost as beautiful as she did! She was such a stunnning bride and looked so happy. I am so happy for her! We then went to California and hung around the beach for a few days. It's been a great summer, but we sure are ready for fall around here:)