December 17, 2015

I haven't posted in awhile... I still keep an online journal but I mostly just write for myself and don't post it. I saw a patient the other day, and his vulnerability stuck out to me. His honesty with his emotions was commendable. I thought about how much he helped me with just being raw. I have talked to a few women who have suffered through miscarriages, I had my first one this past December, and it truly devastated. me. I wrote a post about the day I had the miscarriage the next day but have not yet posted. Here are my raw feelings over those two days.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

I woke up that morning with an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I felt like something might go wrong but just assumed I was being paranoid. After all, I had prayed and fasted to Heavenly Father countless times to have this baby, He would not take that away. This was an answer to my prayers.

Rob came with me to the OBGYN, and they called us both back. The Ultrasound Tech started with the external ultrasound. I could see in her face she was a little worried, she asked if she could progress to the internal ultrasound. I agreed and started to ask her questions. “Do you see anything? What is that? Has the baby grown since last time?” She was pretty impatient with me and said she just needed time to look around. From that answer I could tell something was wrong. Tears started to fill my eyes and my heart shattered.

We then went back to wait for a Doctor to talk about the ultrasound, but in my heart I already knew the outcome. We sat in that room for 20 minutes. I was crying and I could see the disappointment in Rob’s face. I will never forget the Christmas music playing in the background as I felt like my whole world was crumbling. “Have Yourself a Merry little Christmas” rang throughout the room, which made me cry even harder. I looked across from me and there was a picture of a mother holding her newborn. My heart shattered and I didn’t even care to pick it up. The Doctor finally made his appearance and I could tell in his demeanor it was bad news. He said, “You are supposed to be around 8 weeks, the baby last time measured 6 weeks and has barely grown. The baby also has no heartbeat.” He then began explaining the next few steps. Since my body didn’t recognize it as a miscarriage, he thought it would be best to have a D&C.  

 Rob and I walked back to the car in complete silence. We drove home in silence. I put my head between my legs and began to weep. Rob was very comforting and reminded me of Heavenly Fathers plan, and the importance to remember everything happens for a reason. This did not make sense to me though. Am I just not meant to be a mother? Would I just mess my kids up? What happened to all of my prayers and fasting? Did I do something wrong? Did I exercise too hard? Did I drink too much caffeine? Were my showers too hot?

Memories began to flood my mind. The joy that came when I found out I was pregnant compared to that of my wedding day. My heart could have exploded. I showed Rob that pregnancy stick and his face expressed sheer happiness that I will never forget. I cried with pure joy. We were like two giddy kids that couldn’t hold still! We both just kept staring at the stick. We both got on our knees to thank Heavenly Father for the opportunity to become parents. The next few days were filled with little exchanges in public because we were the only ones “who knew.” How could all of this be taken away from me? Each store I would go in, I would check out the baby isle. I wanted to just look at the newborn clothes. I would walk with complete gratitude always expressing to my Heavenly Father how grateful I was for this little baby. Did he not see that? Did he not hear those prayers of gratitude?

Once we got home, I got into bed and didn’t want to move. Robbie had to run a few errands, which was fine with me since all I wanted to do was weep alone. I cried and cried and cried. I think that was the hardest I have cried since the night I found out I had cancer. That feeling was all too familiar. I remembered that feeling so vividly and was feeling it again. I thought about how despite that feeling, everything worked out. By the end, I was grateful for the lessons cancer had taught me. That gave me a little comfort. The hospital called while I was lying down and told me to come in about 1:30. The nurse over the phone then proceeded to ask questions about my medical history. I went over with her some of the details of the cancer. She then said, “Wow. It sounds like you have had a horrible few years. I can’t believe this. I am so sorry we need to see you again.” I thought about when she said, horrible years. They haven’t been all horrible. They have been wonderful and have stretched me to lengths I never thought possible. In some moments though, I would have said, horrible year(s). I am hoping to look back on this situation the same way, a life stretching opportunity.  I want to be one of God’s most eager students to learn what he would like me to.

Rob came home and laid in bed with me. I looked at him and saw his eyes were swollen. I don’t think I have ever seen Rob cry. I asked if he had been crying and he responded that this was indeed hard for him as well.  I went to the hospital and checked in with Rob, my Dad, and Laura. We only needed to wait a few minutes until they took me back. I knew most of the nurses. I was in the same room I was in the day I got my double mastectomy. Everything went fairly well. Honestly, I was happy to be “put under” at that point. Anything to get me out of my body that I felt so very trapped in. Every time I come out of the anesthesia my body just shakes and shakes. The nurse that helped me to recover was excellent. She said I have the cutest husband waiting for me and reminded me how lucky I was to have that. I really am.

That night Stevie and Rachel came over and were so sweet to me. They brought me flowers and my favorite Swig necessities. Their presence was calming. I am so grateful for family and close, honest friends. Jannae sent me the most beautiful flowers. I had sweet texts from a few friends. Friends that I was sincerely grateful for in that moment weren’t too “awkward” or “didn’t know what to say,” said something. I didn’t even respond back, but it was the fact that they said something that meant everything.  Julie was sure to send my favorite flowers and of course was very supportive. My dad came to the hospital to help me get settled. My mom called countless times making sure I was going to be okay. Most of all, Rob was wonderful. I saw how much we had been through together in such a short time and his consistency through all of it. He always sees things in an eternal perspective. Sometimes that can be hard for me, but the end I am always grateful for that.

Going to sleep was really hard for me. I cried myself to sleep and then woke up around 2am crying. Rob tried to cuddle me to sleep, but I just couldn’t sleep. I got up and mopped the floors, scrubbed the kitchen, and did the laundry. I got back into bed and was able to sleep a little more. I woke up with a call from my Grandma expressing her sorrow and apologies. She is the best. She had a hard time having children, and also had a miscarriage. It’s always nice to talk to someone that understands things first hand.

I am grateful for the atonement. I am grateful that no matter how painful this is; I know I will find joy and happiness in the months to follow. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who wants the best for me, even if I don’t understand it. I know he wants the best for me. I feel somewhat distant from Him right now, I am sure that is my pavilion covering myself. I am trying to remove it. I am grateful that when I am ready to pick up my shattered heart, angels will be round about me. I am indeed grateful for the gospel. “Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot cure.”