STAPH.

This past week has been a little scary. I worked all day Tuesday, but on Tuesday night I started to get sick. Really sick. It came on so fast. I was throwing up uncontrollably. I could tell I was really dehydrated because my skin would stay when I pinched it. I have had a few "episodes" of dehydration before but this one seemed out of control. Julie came over to help, and we rushed over to the ER. All I wanted was fluids. They started me on fluids and usually that does the trick, but this time it didn't. I still felt extremely sick and my heart rate was way too low to let me home. I didn't have enough potassium for my heart to work probably so they put these "electric stickies" all over my chest. Things still weren't looking good. The doctors couldn't figure out what the root of the problem was. I can't explain how scary it is to have brilliant minds look at you and say, "I'm just not sure what is going on, the chemo makes things almost unexplainable because your blood counts are all over the place." I wanted to be at Huntsman, just because they have all my records and that's where I have been doing the treatments. So, I got taken in an ambulance to Huntsman. The paramedics were WONDERFUL. They were calming and reassuring that everything would be ok. On the way up there, my heart rate started dropping more, so they put oxygen on me, and then I started noticing we were going real fast. I was facing the back, so I could see all the cars parting for ME. It was a surreal feeling. Everyone was moving out of the way just for me. I prayed hard and cried. But this is one of my weakest moments, I was thinking, "can't this just end," Replaying that thought over and over didn't do any good, but I didn't seem to have any energy to fight it. I had a pitty-party the whole drive. The paramedic told me he thoought I have a nasty infection that my body just couldn't fight alone, and he ended up being right. So a couple days in the Huntsman did the trick! I'm home now and oh so happy to be!
I am so grateful for a mom and a sister who have been UNBELIEVABLY supportive. Julie was over the night I got sick and didn't leave my side. My mom flew from Arizona to be with me. When you are so scared, it's so great to have family right by your side. There comes a certain relief in seeing those you love. Julie has been so amazing. Despite her wedding plans and LIFE-CHANGING events in her life, she has been there for me every step. She is a most loyal sister and friend. My mom has flown up every treatment to help put my life back together after chemo. My dad has been there every chemo treatment to help save my hair with the penguin cap. Through this, I have gained an even greater testimony of families. The Lord has given me a network of help and love, which is my greatest gift right now. I could not do this alone. I have the ultimate support also, my Robbie, who didn't sign up for this... Poor guy, he's never seen a healthy wife. BUT, it will come soon enough. I'm halfway there.

Third Treatment... DONE.

The song keeps running through my head... "all i want to be is DONE" by Band Perry. This treatment was a little rougher. But, I guess that's how they all go! Nausea got out of control and had to go into the hospital a few days later and get some fluids. My liver counts were also a little off, so they are going to keep an eye on that. Penguin cap seems to be working! I've lost quite a bit of hair but still have some left. I have put up a video of the penguin cap for those who want to see how it works. We need to change it on the way home from the hospital so we just pull over in random parking lots. For the first week after the chemo treatment, I seem to get pretty emotional and depressed. My show, Parenhood, ended. I finished it! I cried. I was so sad that it was over. Needless to say, emotions run high for about a week:) The people that surround me are CHAMPS.

The other day I ran to Target to pick up some groceries (we will shop at Target for awhile from the gift cards...) As I was checking out the cashier asked me if I was sick. I told him no and that I was just tired. He then asked why I had port (usually I have it covered) and I told him a little of what was going on. He grabbed me and hugged me and told me God must love me a lot to let me go through this. What a difference ONE person can make! Wow! His optimism and faith was super helpful at that time! I am grateful for little tender mercies.

Rob biked in the Huntsman 140 on Saturday. He did a great job! What a sweetheart to do that!

Second Treatment. DONE!

I have completed my second round of treatment and finally feel on the "upswing." This treatment seemed to go a little smoother than the first. My sweet family knew how to operate the penguin cap and everything just seemed to be calm, or maybe it was just me who was calm. I knew what to expect. I knew what I was in for. This round I didn't experience as much fatigue, but I seemed to experience more nausea. What has hit me the most this round seems to be my eyesight. I cannot see out of my left eye. My right eye is fine though. It gives me a headache/migraine to see different out of each eye.
I feel ugly. 
My eyelashes have begun falling out... This was not a good day. I woke up and noticed about half of my lashes on my left upper eye had fallen out. My other eyelashes are breaking off and I have clusters of some missing. The doctors told me this usually doesn't happen until the fourth treatment but everyone seems to be different. BUT, on a brighter note: this must mean my penguin cap is working! My hair has thinned quite a bit, but it's still there, and for that I am grateful. I have noticed that I look "sick." my face is very pale and I have dark bags under my eyes. I am feeling "better" so it's frustrating to look in the mirror and still look sick! We so often take for granted the little things that make us feel beautiful. Even if it's just doing your hair. I can't remember the last time I looked in the mirror and thought I looked ok!
You'd think some silver lining is that I'd be able to lose some weight from the chemo, but unfortunately that's just not the case. My cravings include: Arbys, tacos, mint-chocolate chip ice cream, grilled cheese, tomato soup, McDonalds oatmeal, and plumbs. Pretty random!
But, I am learning so much about the definition of beautiful. I wish I could say that it's easy to look in the mirror and think I look ok, but it's something I am still learning to do! What is beautiful is that I can look in the mirror and know that I will be cured and that hopefully, one day I can speak with authenticity to someone who might experience this. What is beautiful, is that I have a husband, who despite my appearance reminds me every day how beautiful I am to him. He is my ultimate silver lining. What is beautiful is that God gave me a wonderful sister whom I have never felt so close to because of this. I am grateful to see beauty in a different way when I look in the mirror, not just my physical appearance.