Just for a Season.

The doctors have had to put me back on a steroid for my eye. It helps with the inflammation and has helped my vision quite a bit! I AM BEYOND GRATEFUL. I don't really like steroids. My appetite increases ten-fold, I can't sleep, and I am anxious. But, I see better! So I'll take it!

Rob and I always joke around about our life. I seem to be one of those needy wives that can't stand when he leaves and he always says, "it's just for a season!" Recently I have had quite a few people ask me about what to say and how to help people going through chemo or a cancer diagnosis as the patient and as the friend. I thought I'd share some of my experience... And hopefully your experience is "just for a season."

For the Friend
CHEMO BRAIN IS REAL- When my doctors told me about this I thought there is NO way I'll be like that. My mind thinks a thousand words a minute. Well... It's not really the "feelings" that get jumbled, it's the words. Sometimes I find myself trying to put sentences together. This never used to happen to me ha! I can't convey the message I am trying to get across. ALSO. I forget texting people back, and I forget people's names. I know what you are thinking... "I have that same thing." I hate to be rude, but no. So be patient with those you love on chemo. Their brains just aren't as quick as they used to be, and trust me, they are more frustrated about it than you are.

Don't act different. I so appreciated it when people would just treat me normal. Especially when I first found out. I felt like everyone looked at me with pity. A couple days after I found out I called one of Rob's friends to see how they were doing with this girl they were dating. He told me about what was going on etc. etc. It was the best. He had no idea of my big news and later said, "you let me talk about a girlfriend when you had this going on!?" Yes. And it felt wonderful to feel normal.

Be understanding. It's not you, sometimes they just don't feel good. I normally am a pretty upbeat person and love to listen. Chemo wears you out. Sometimes members of my family would ask if I was mad or upset. Nope. Just didn't feel well.

When you first get diagnosed people that you knew from elementary school start contacting you and giving you advice. They give you advice from peach pits to treatments in Uganda. I have LOVED all advice. It's always interesting to see what others do. But at first, it's a little overwhelming. Wait a bit to give advice. The best thing someone did for me was type up a list of medications to get and "tricks" for nausea. She typed it up and gave it to me and just said, "when you are ready check it out." PERFECT!

Be a steady friend... This probably meant the most to me.  The support is incredible at first. And then it dies down. Towards the latter of your treatments is when you really need that support. One of my dear friends checked on me at least every other day. It didn't need to be long, and she never even expected a text back. But boy, did it mean the world. I would look forward to hearing from her every time.

A port is a little device under the skin that has a tube to the vein and to the heart. It makes treatments MUCH easier. The chemo goes in quickly and they can draw blood easy. It hurts for them to access it, but after that it's so much easier than being poked millions of times.

For the Patient
When you first get diagnosed your time is occupied. I always joked that getting cancer was a full time job. I promise, the doctors appointments will eventually decrease.

Take one step at a time. Sometimes even take one hour at a time. Two days after I found out I could not sleep. I ended up sleeping with my mom and just laid there wide awake. Doctor appointments occupied the whole next day, and I had a scan to show how far they thought the cancer had spread. I was so anxious. It felt like each minute was an hour. I got up at about 4 AM and laid on the bathroom floor and sobbed. I didn't want my mom to hear me cry in bed. I am pretty sure that's the hardest I had cried in my life. My mom ended up waking up and laying next to me on the bathroom floor and told me, "Take only one step at a time. Even if you need to just take one hour a time do it. Don't think of what needs to be done or everything that awaits. Just get through THIS doctors appointment."

Know that everyone around you is doing their best and they are hurting too... People love you. They are just trying to do their best. There was one point where I was in the hospital and I was SO sick. My husband had a big smile on his face and was trying to stay optimistic. I said, "If you can't even shed a tear about everything going on GET OUT." He walked out. I felt horrible. He was just trying to be positive for me.

There is beauty in being sick. You come to find inner beauty pretty fast. Almost every woman I have talked to has one thing that they "hold" unto to hide behind what is going on. For me, it was my hair. When my hair would fall out I would CRY and CRY. Everytime I washed my hair it would just come out by the handfuls and I would store them in a waterbottle so I could see how much I lost that day. I was a little bit crazy.  For another woman I talked to it was her eyelashes. When her eyelashes fell out, she lost it. And then there was one lady who talked about her eyebrows. We seem to hold onto "something" that makes us feel beautiful. Something we can hide behind. I went to lunch with my sister the other day and I thought of when she rushed me to the ER one night. I had been throwing up so uncontrollably and looked AWFUL. I was scared of getting vomit on her. She packed me a night bag and led me to the car. I thought of that moment at lunch and my heart could have exploded with love for her. There comes a special love for those who take care of you when you are sick like that.

So there you have it. There is my most likely "unwanted" advice. Those are just things I wish I would have known a little more.

Rob and I will also be in channel 2 this Thursday at 5pm. They came and did a story on our love story. We feel so flattered that they would come and ask us questions and want to know about us. They asked us to reminisce about our wedding day while looking at the wedding album. They said, "act like we aren't here." I thought to myself, "I really don't think we'd be looking at this if you weren't here..."

But, oh so many blessings.

This past week has been one filled with so many blessings but a little bitter as well. Rob and I have had the opportunity to have a few news articles about our story. WOW! We feel so blessed and have felt incredible support! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I am coming close to my one year mark of my diagnosis. Time has gone so slow and yet so fast. I have reflected so much about all that has taken place this past year, lots and lots of change. I was thinking the other day, "I wonder what I was doing around this time last year... I had no idea what was about to hit me." I kept thinking about it, and all of the sudden I felt so anxious. I have no reason to feel anxious. But I could not stop thinking about it. I kept praying that this feeling would go away and that I could find peace. I just couldn't. I felt like I was going a little bit crazy. How can I feel so anxious when I have no reason to be?
I called my oncologist, who is THE best. Her name is Sandra Buys and just hearing her voice calms my soul. I explained how anxious I felt, even though I had no reason. I told her how I kept on envisioning the cancer coming back. She explained to me that sometimes our bodies can only handle so much fear and emotion at one time, and sometimes our bodies have to release that emotion at a "safer-time." This is my "safer-time." Feelings buried alive never die. When I first got diagnosed I went into solider phase. Of course I had a good cry, actually more like a few good cries. But, I can tell you that I held more tears back than I actually allowed myself to cry.
I felt like God was disappointed in me. I felt like I didn't learn as much as I should have and was selfish while I was going through chemo. I know I did the best I could with the way I felt, but this taught me a lesson:  Take advantage of your trials. Learn all you can. Do the best you can, but be kind to yourself. Your trials only last so long, but you have eternity to think about how you handled it. Enjoy the spirit that comes with hard things. As sick as I felt, there was a certain sweetness in my home. It felt incredibly peaceful. I felt the blessings from all of the prayers of so many. Thank you. At first when people would say, "I've prayed for you, I've fasted for you, I put your name on the prayer roll..." It would make me a little uncomfortable. I learned  ultimate gratitude for those blessings, and that I just can't do it alone. There was so many miracles that took place. Pray, pray, pray and be kind to yourself when you get anxious, jealous, or even angry. Surely a loving Heavenly Father who created emotions must understand them perfectly. What matters is how you react to those emotions.
So even though right now I feel a little anxious and JUST NOW am thinking, "What on earth just happened?" Cancer is one of my greatest blessings.

 Still doing my treatments every 3 weeks! My port got a little infected so they had to flush it out... REALLY painful!

How cute is my husband? He'll facetime me when I am about to go to bed and he's still studying. Welcome to my LIFE! He's always studying!

We're Marchin On.

In my second round of chemo I started loosing some vision in my left eye... This can be normal with chemo so they said not to worry about it but always thought it was a little strange that it was ONLY my left eye. My vision should be better by now, so they took me off treatment for awhile to see if that would clear it up, and find out what the issue was. 

So eye doctor appointments have occupied my time lately! The eye doctor is not sure if the chemo has caused it, or even what really is the matter. At first they suspected MS but that's not the issue. Then, they thought optic neuritis. Whatever treatment they have put me on hasn't helped the vision clear! Some days it's better than others! I am getting used to it now though. It doesn't bother me too much anymore. AND I have a perfectly great right eye! I am so grateful for my vision. I have a tendency to take things for granted until they are taken away. 

What does my vision look like in my left eye? It's almost a gray fog that is around the whole eye. I can make out shapes and figures but can't seem to see details. I have been struggling seeing color now too. 

But anyhow, they took me off treatment for awhile to see if they could figure out this eye problem. Since they are fairly sure it's not chemo related, they are putting me back on treatment tomorrow.

I was feeling so great!

Although this chemo is much more mild than the heavier stuff, I still feel pretty sick after! I get really tired for the following few days. BUT, it truly is nothing compared to that heavy stuff! I hadn't had treatment for about 5 weeks and really started to notice my energy coming back, the weight coming off, and my face collecting more color! I was feeling so great! But we are marching on! Tomorrow I go back in for treatment and more doctor appointments! I am so grateful for such a wonderful hospital that has been so responsive to my issues. Huntsman has been ONE HUGE BLESSING! 

Other big news:

My little brother, Stevie came home from Sweden! He is the sweetest. There was something really special about seeing him. He wore a pink ribbon for me in Sweden. He put my name on the temple roll over there. He had the missionaries in his mission fast for me. I could feel the blessings of his service. He would write me and say he felt horrible that he wasn't there to help more with chemo, but in reality, he was exactly where he should be warranting me more blessings than I even deserve.